Austin Lane

too famous for cameo not famous enough to have a podcast

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

Hey anyone who’s ever seen Dune!wanna watch Dune!?

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

Would not recommend #Spiderhead . Mouth too small.

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

Kids don’t remember old school emoticons. For example: “:-D” Translation: tiny balls, thin shaft, HUGE head.

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

Ladies and gentlemen: Whitewashing
No surprise these came from Trader Joe’s #boycott

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

I’m so strong I could BEAT UP THE PRESIDENT

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

*fart sound*
Me: it was the chair.
Therapist: that’s fine; let’s continue next week.
*exits* (the chair has a large brown stain)
Therapist: *overprescribes anti-depressants to actual shit stain*

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

My favorite movie is Office Christmas Party AMA

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

Also Old. Just saw Old. Unbreakable was pretty good.

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

I kind of get it. If I made movies like Lady in the Water, I wouldn’t want people to know my first name, either.

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

@jackiebretts What on earth are you talking about

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

Idea for a sitcom: a Jewish guy named Tucker

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

@TimJDillon Wendy’s tight

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

Someone tell me what @SchittsCreek is about in one sentence. Bet you can’t!

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

@DaftLimmy do you like the Scottish hair metal band Strangeways? That song Every Time You Cry is great.

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

@ComedyBangBang Kip Winger

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

@ComedyBangBang Best “W” band: Warrant or Winger?

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

Hey, @SHO_Billions , @Succession_HBO called — they say they’re better but really you’re both just kinda alright. Love em both. Best shoes ever. Not as good as the sopranos

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

White chocolate Twix?? Oh man. BIG mistake. You’re ruined

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

@stevedildarian can you please for the love of god upload the world’s worst husband pilot somewhere? I saw it 4 years ago and no one believes me how funny it is. I’m losing friends over this! Shame on you!

[Austin Lane @daddysdancer]

Stephen Colbert is fat.