tales of a suburban dad

I’m 40+. I have a wife and multiple children. I have a mortgage. I live in the suburbs. My life is a horror show.

[tales of a suburban dad @DadHorrors]

Not all heroes wear capes.

[Ed Flynn 愛德華費連 @EdforBoston]

Last night's in Chinatown, this gentleman, selling stolen meat, was arrested on an outstanding warrant for breaking and entering. I stood with and next to the police officer to demonstrate my support for him. I was prepared to assist the officer if he was assaulted. #bospoli

[Barstool Sports @barstoolsports]

One of the best KOs you’ll ever see

Max Holloway is the baddest mother fucker on the planet @SpinninBackfist #UFC300

[tales of a suburban dad @DadHorrors]

If you eat Chinese food and you like to gamble - or either one - you should be playing Fortune Cookie Poker.

Rules below:

[Greg Henning @Greg_D_Henning]

I wasn’t around in 1970, but the #TitanicRescue story seems to be the closest thing to the Apollo 13 mission that we’ve ever experienced in terms of hour-by-hour global fascination.

Any other examples you can think of?

#Titanic #OceanGate

[tales of a suburban dad @DadHorrors]

Song comes on the radio.

Wife: Oooh, this is Jessie McCartney!

Me: RIP.

Wife: WHAT?? He died?

Me: I think so - a few months ago. Overdose.

Wife: You sure you aren’t thinking of Aaron Carter?

Me: Maybe. I don’t know.

Wife: They aren’t the same person.

Me: Whatever.

[Greg Henning @Greg_D_Henning]

That face when you can’t tell if the headline you are reading is good news or bad news. @cnn #economy

[tales of a suburban dad @DadHorrors]

@StockMKTNewz Reckoning

[Greg Henning @Greg_D_Henning]

What percentage of the time, when turning on a stove, do you reach for the knob corresponding to the burner you intend to light on the first try?

[Greg Henning @Greg_D_Henning]

Parenting seems awfully confusing.

[Greg Henning @Greg_D_Henning]

Hi, @dog_rates - could you crowd source the best Universal Dog Hand Gesture (UDHG) that dog owners on a walk can use (even with ear buds in…) to signal to other dog owners if their dog is friendly?

[tales of a suburban dad @DadHorrors]

@Greg_D_Henning @stephenolmon My daughter would be the murderer, not my son.

I would turn her in, but she’s methodical enough to be in a non-extraditable country pretty quickly.

She’s 9 years old.

[tales of a suburban dad @DadHorrors]

So an XL in the US = 4XL in the entire continent of Asia? I mean I know I gained a couple pounds over Christmas but shit.

[tales of a suburban dad @DadHorrors]

@dadmann_walking Yes. We can fight this trend✊🏼

[tales of a suburban dad @DadHorrors]

@micky_cummings @colehauser Yes - same guy who stole (or modified) a line from A Bronx Take: “I’m gonna give you one last chance. You leave now or you never leave.”

[tales of a suburban dad @DadHorrors]

My wife just told me that at some baby showers, women blindfold the mom-to-be and make her eat brown desserts out of a diaper as a “joke” about baby shit.

Please tell me this isn’t true, and that my wife just has weird friends.

[tales of a suburban dad @DadHorrors]

What’s your holiday shopping hell?

[tales of a suburban dad @DadHorrors]

Right now, millions of husbands like me are glancing at the sink during a @NFL_MNF commercial, justifying their decision to not clean the dishes because the clanging sound of glass and steel might wake up our wives. And that’s ok. #MNF

[tales of a suburban dad @DadHorrors]

@ryanoferguson I’d buy an FTX hat just for the curiosity factor. That logo, but on the front, is sure to get a lot of looks.

Somewhat similar vibes from the ice cream guy here.

[tales of a suburban dad @DadHorrors]

I wonder what would happen if I gave that “STFU” response to my wife…🤔

[@sherisayssit @sherisayssit]

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.