Dads Gone Mild

[Dads Gone Mild @dadsgomild]

My son can’t sleep because his pillow was laughing at him…so we’ve got that going for us which is nice.

[Dads Gone Mild @dadsgomild]

I was today years old when I learned that the reason plates are so hot at Mexican restaurants is because of something called a “kitchen salamander”. #TheMoreYouKnow

[Dads Gone Mild @dadsgomild]

I remember when it was really weird if I got a visitor while going to the bathroom. That was before I changed my name to dad. Now if I don’t have visitors while going to the bathroom I suspect something very bad is happening somewhere in my house.

[Dads Gone Mild @dadsgomild]

If you think you’re strange just think - there’s somebody out there right now using the back leftside burner and happy about it.

[Dads Gone Mild @dadsgomild]

Being a dad is like being the bouncer at a rough bar that tiny humans are overserved at and go from the life of the party to total disaster back and forth in a heartbeat. You can’t throw them out, and the music is terrible.

[Dads Gone Mild @dadsgomild]

I’m not bragging or anything but with the help of a home equity line of credit I was able to make three-egg omelets for the family this morning.

[Dads Gone Mild @dadsgomild]

There’s nothing cuter than finding your diaper wearing child who hid to poop and having them yell “go away”.