Daniel Sconce

[Swearing Sports News @SwearingSport]

If Lee Dixon was commentating at my funeral, I’d get out of my coffin and kill myself

[LaughBreak: Dad Jokes ‘N More @MediocreJoker85]

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on… you’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working too,” says the duck. “Now, if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and sandwich?”

“Certainly. Sorry about that,” says the barman as he pours the pint. “It’s just that we don’t get many ducks in here. What are you doing around this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”

The barman is amazed, but the duck pulls a newspaper out of his bag and starts reading, making it clear the conversation is over.

He drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, says goodbye, and leaves.

The same thing happens every day for the next two weeks.

Then one day, the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster stops into the bar for a drink, and the barman says,

“You’re with the circus, aren’t you? I know a duck who’d be perfect for your show. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper… the lot!”

“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Tell him to give me a call.”

So the next day, when the duck comes into the pub, the barman says, “Hey, Mr. Duck, I think I can line you up with a great job. Good money, too.”

“I’m always interested in the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” replies the barman.

“The circus?” asks the duck.

“That’s right.”

“The circus… with the big tent?”

“Yep.”

“With all the animals in cages and the performers living in caravans?”

“Exactly.”

“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?”

“That’s the one,” says the barman.

The duck looks at him in complete confusion and says…

“What the hell would they need a plasterer for?”

[Rob Walker @Robwalker1878]

So Gana Gueyes missus posts pics of them moving house before @Everton announce he’s leaving 😂😂😂

[Hoops Crave @HoopsCrave]

Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars 10 years ago today.

[Spinnin Backfist @SpinninBackfist]

Tweet of the month

[DrunkenFist ™ @drunkenfistmma]

At UFC 74, Roger Huerta once used the overhead Jumbotron to finish his opponent by TKO.

[HLTCO @HLTCO]

Sensational. 😂

[Mowgli @fbgwayno]

He looks like a 5’2 pro clubs character that will drop 4 goals on your head

[Danny @Danny_EFC6]

Gonna get rid of George because we didn’t see him enough, then lash it all on Harry Wilson

Aren’t we?

[Don @Donwillioni]

About to watch the World Cup in the pub when a fella said to me ‘I bet you can’t name 3 Qatar players’

I replied - George Harrison, Jimi Hendrix and Eric Clapton

#worldcup

[SP @sspencerukk]

Ah mate I’m acc dying here

[PNF 🌚 @PotnoodIefringe]

Billy Moore when he see’s a smackhead

[Sam @SamMufc7]

No way 😂

[Coral @Coral]

Big John's Bosh Around The World 🌎

48 teams. 48 boshes. No autocue.

Bosh.

[Bask @baskgod]

It’s just they year man

[Tommy @TommyGorman37]

Some screamers here. Fair play.

[Eric Hovagim @EricHovagim]

the tl is gonna look like this every time the US concedes a goal in the world cup

[The 1878s @The1878s]

The same panel that gave us 10 points have now delivered this new ruling.

The same original panel were actually criticised by the second panel when they adjusted the points deduction later on.

They made the rules up as they went along with no framework in place.

We've been punished financially and with a points deduction already. This is punishment number three.

How many times can one club be sanctioned for the same thing?

As we said before: Where there is power, greed and money…there is corruption.

[Matty @3andcaptain]

was so sure this was a typo ffs

[bart @soxbart]

“It’s filled with popcorn.”

Yeah not falling for that. Literally how they tricked Troy.