Cuban Mussel Crisis

Everything is small potatoes

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what's a "roblery"

[Good Kyle @KyleMcDowell86]

[wakes up with a hangover] uhh what happened last night
[Carrot Top in bed beside me] Good morning
[Me] Carrot Top my love, what happened

[chuuch @ch000ch]

it's messed up how the emergency room turned me away bc i had no insurance and because technically it was a "fashion emergency"

[chuuch @ch000ch]

me: what if some bugs speak english but they're too small for us to hear

news reporter (holding mic): ok but did u see the robbery

[Cuban Mussel Crisis @DankSinatra4]

*me with fork and knife in hand, looking around hungrily*

Wait this is not a sausage fest at all

[Cuban Mussel Crisis @DankSinatra4]

I'm basically an oyster in that I eat stuff and then it comes out as a solid material that can be sold at jewelry shops for high prices

[jonny sun @jonnysun]

TWO+TWO=FOUR
TW+TW=FUR
2TW=FUR
(W=UU)
2T(UU)=FUR
2TU=FR
U=FR/2T
U=FR over 2T
you = forever tooty
"MOM!!! DAD KEEPS BULYING ME WITH MATH"

[Cuban Mussel Crisis @DankSinatra4]

*me ordering at drive thru*

I'd like a sausage pizza

Employee- sir we have a hostage situation send help

Me- no sausage not hostage

[Cuban Mussel Crisis @DankSinatra4]

Moral Combat, a game where all of the characters are philosophers, but you end up playing for 6 hours without anyone actually winning.

[Cuban Mussel Crisis @DankSinatra4]

Lobster? I hardly know 'er!! Hahahaha my mom won't answer my phone calls.

[skip intro @chuchugoogoo]

how boys dress vs how men dress 😍😍😍

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

[Cuban Mussel Crisis @DankSinatra4]

What about a show where people with giantism face day to day struggles in a really small environment: Big People Little World

[chuuch @ch000ch]

[gets down on one knee] babe. this is gonna sound strange but i forgot how to use one of my legs

[jonny sun @jonnysun]

if i ever had a choir i'd name it "some assembly re-choir-ed"

[Fred Delicious 🍆 @Fred_Delicious]

[can opener breaks]
"more like...can't opener, hahaha"
[i decide to finally open up the divorce papers that arrived 3 days ago]

[jonny sun @jonnysun]

as a child i asked my dad why the moon looks really really big sometimes and he said "simulations always have bugs" and i havent slept since

[jonny sun @jonnysun]

*showing my child an acorn*
i hav no idea how, but this little thing has a whole tree inside it. prety cool, right

[jonny sun @jonnysun]

ME: once the heart of the olive is removed, the hole is filled w/ a memento–
TEACHER: its Pimento
ME: …but…it was JUST startig to make sense