Dan(ny) Lempert

comedian — @ucbtny & elsewhere— I love tote bags

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

When a new restaurant “does things a little bit differently”

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

Tricked my bf into watching all three extended editions 😈

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

[describing lotr to someone who hates fantasy] it’s about 9 childless queer friends teaming up to return a piece of jewelry

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

@DashaBurns Holy moley congrats !!!🍾🎊

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

the substance

[Yisuno ⚝ | SKARM BELIEVER @TheYisusOne]

After Nincada evolves, an empty shell is left behind, which somehow comes to life as a Pokemon called Shedinja.

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

@sarahclazarus 😻 🎉

[𝓈𝓀𝒾𝓃 𖣐 𝒹𝑒𝓈𝓉𝓇𝑜𝓎𝑒𝓇 @gloomingly]

(trying to make small talk) notice any patterns lately

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

JD Vance like

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

Someone needs to do something about supermarket prices I’m circling the yogurt aisle psyching myself up like I’m about to rob a bank

[m a x w i t t e r t @waxmittert]

Despite my best efforts, it is already lunch time.

A good moment to make you revisit some of my most tedious work.

“Jean & Scott,” episode 13

1/3

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

I’m “making a list of things to discuss with the dermatologist”-years-old 👼

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

How do I tell the person who lives in the apt below mine that doing nonstop, bad + loud Madonna karaoke by themselves is embarrassing? A note? Rock through the window? Kill myself in front of them??

[abby @abby4thepeople]

literally crying in the club (my office)

[Mike Abrusci @mikeabrusci]

Unbelievable to be wearing full body armor and pointing a gun at a 19 year old sociology major and think “I AM THE GOOD GUY IN THIS SITUATION”

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

“Ummm Challengers much?”
- me hanging w/ any two hot ppl

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

🎶 Tap me on the shoulder when you reload the gun 🎶

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

Being over 30 & childless means I have 10k+ photos of pizza on my phone

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

walking in the midwest is tricky cause im always startling pedestrians w/ my purposeful stride & bad attitude

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

you think I’m joking but this is literally me at work

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

those little baggies for drugs are so cute whenever I see one I want to make a lil sandwich for a hamster so bad

[Dan(ny) Lempert @danlempert]

A remake of Sleeping with the Enemy & it’s just me cat sitting her