Dan Carney

comedian, actor, writer ✉️: [email protected]

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

I want to be the trophy husband for a WNBA player

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

I will not be watching The Odyssey due to its casting choices. Some of my closest friends are actors who are actual cyclops and would’ve been perfect for the movie but “woke Hollywood” chose to use a puppet instead of them just bc they’re Republican

[Huge Ma @turbovax]

I'm being told the Lincoln Square AMC is the epicenter of explosive diarrhea. Avoid the Odyssey in 70MM at all costs

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

Oh so that’s who Batman is

[DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm]

First teaser for ‘THE BATMAN: PART 2’.

In theaters on February 18, 2028.

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

Be very careful out there guys. I just ate Taco Bell and it made my dick small

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

Damn my diarrhea taste like lettuce wtf

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

At Taco Bell and there’s no one here in line. Must be my lucky day

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

Makin it rain

[ABC News @ABC]

A Texas woman was practicing pole dancing in her living room when the pole came loose from the ceiling and hit a sprinkler, flooding her apartment. https://t.co/CUNO7uUx5a

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

Didn’t get a ticket in time to see Odyssey in imax but I did just purchase this giant hollowed out statue of a horse as a gift for amc to put inside their imax theater

[April Clark @autogynefiles]

(first day as a doctor) hell, I don’t know. It could be anything

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

@equine__dentist We are all piece of shit owl

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

What about Uber Eats but instead of food it’s a friend you can hang out with

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

I guess he will be Jack-Antonoff himself now

[Pop Base @PopBase]

Margaret Qualley and Jack Antonoff have separated after 3 years of marriage, PEOPLE reports.

(https://t.co/uPz5t5hcUl)

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

I had a dream I was in the backseat of a car with Anne Hathaway and I pulled down my pants to poop and nothing came out

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

@jga41agher Incredible comp

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

Finally made the Post

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

Yesterday was a movie

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

Guy who starts shooting his gun in the air during the fireworks

[Dan Carney @DanManCarney]

Apparently the hot dog I just ate was a penis