Petty in Pink

Dad joke connoisseur, professional bullshitter.

[Petty in Pink @dannixphantom]

If someone ever tries to kill me, I'm pretty sure Sallie Mae would show up and save me so I can pay off my loans with them.

[Petty in Pink @dannixphantom]

Decided to treat myself to a cut and highlight and ended up getting two stylists working on my hair. Had me feeling like Anne Hathaway in The Princess Diaries💁‍♀️

[Petty in Pink @dannixphantom]

Gave Sunny an empty takeout container with two single morsels of freeze dried duck inside. She's absolutely obsessed 😂

[Petty in Pink @dannixphantom]

I have flown solo once and it was one of my most peaceful travel experiences ever. Not having to keep tabs on someone else? Only having anxiety that one of your party is a surprise terrorist? Not having to worry about sitting together? Amazing.

[Sarah Everett @goddammitsarah]

there is quite literally nothing better than solo traveling

[Petty in Pink @dannixphantom]

When I'm so far ahead at work that they reward me....
With more work 😭

[Petty in Pink @dannixphantom]

If your tweet starts with a subject line, and includes a "see more," I'm marking it as "not interested". I'm here for tweets, not full blown essays.

[Petty in Pink @dannixphantom]

Having a flexible schedule is the fucking bomb. I did not want to go to work this morning so I simply went back to bed for 45 minutes then tried again.

[Joshwelt @weltszzn]

the worst part of the day is when you finish your coffee because its like. ok guess I’ll wait for tomorrow then

[mayerr @ymmayerr]

I don't want AI glasses. I want eyes and teeth covered by health insurance.

[Petty in Pink @dannixphantom]

I have a crazy, lunatic neighbor who comes outside to literally scream and yell her greivances to the street at large. It ruins the vibes, so I started going outside and interrupting her antics with my loudest, best Goofy "hYUCK".

It actually works? Can't beleive my luck.

[Petty in Pink @dannixphantom]

Grateful that my current employer agrees, and also checks in with me frequently to see how the pet is doing. I had to update all 30+ office personnel daily on Sunny's hospitalization and recovery😂

[♰ 𝙽𝚊𝚎𝚝𝚘 @fw_naetoblaq]

A hill I’ll die on:

Calling off work because your pet is sick, dying, or has passed away is every bit as valid as calling off for a human family member.

[Petty in Pink @dannixphantom]

I showed up over 1.5 hours late on my third to last day simply because the gym was really a vibe and I didn't want to leave yet. Watching the middle managers eagerly await the writeup that never came was like a parting gift.

[ashley ray @theashleyray]

thinking about the time i showed up to my last day at a job i hated an hour late with dunkin' donuts and my boss tried to tell HR and they were like "bro, she already quit, what do you want us to do? chill out"

[𝒢𝒾𝓁𝒷ℯ𝓇𝓉 @AbakpaJob]

oh to be a tiny cat whose biggest concern is the looming threat of being gently picked up and kissed on the head.

[𝚃𝚑𝚒𝚌𝚌 𝙲𝚑𝚞𝚗𝚐𝚞𝚜 🍄 @anactualwalnut]

“Everyone is autistic now!”
Good maybe the gene pool will eventually just make it so that literally everyone actually *is* autistic so we can all say exactly what we mean/want and the passive aggressive indirect read between the lines communication can die out

[Al Coholic @bitchesLOVEtoad]

pretty cool that 70% of ads now are just for weight loss medicine, gambling, or AI

[Petty in Pink @dannixphantom]

I've been waiting on a pair of sandals to ship for a month and due to a misunderstanding, he may have cancelled them today, just as they were about to ship. At this point in time, it's not worth it to reorder😭😭

[Petty in Pink @dannixphantom]

My dad is an absolute menace with the Amazon account. He is truly convinced there's someone out there that desperately wants to hack our account. There has never been any evidence to lead to this conclusion.

[Petty in Pink @dannixphantom]

I need to be fucking studied. My cat had to be admitted to a vet for 48 hours and my body is falling apart. Physically ill, heart palpations, and my TEETH are LOOSE. I genuinely think I'm so high strung that my body has to create new symptoms to try to tell me to chill.

[Petty in Pink @dannixphantom]

Yeah, no, now's a great time to dispute hundreds of dollars of fraudulent charges on my debit card.

[Petty in Pink @dannixphantom]

I literally can't function while Sunny is at the vet. How am I supposed to go to bed without her tonight? How am I supposed to do anything when she isn't here?