Dan Whiting

Lives by the mantras that constraints breed creativity and don't know what you can't do. But, this is mostly my notes for a future comedy piece.

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

@JoannaPasceri Congrats!!

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

Is it okay to use an emoji in a response to a chatbot? Asking for a friend.

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

I received a happy birthday message from one of my doctors. Took me a minute until I realized they addressed it to my insurance company. I guess they know who pays the bills.

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

Better watch this before the Super Bowl @ShelbyKerns https://t.co/mRLfrE5pN0

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

When is the plastic utensil industry going to figure out that we don't need an even number of forks, knives, and spoons when we buy a multipack? Or am I the only one who has a ton of extra plastic knives all the time?

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

@JoannaPasceri 117 packets.

Considering how infrequently we go to Taco Bell, it is a multi-year supply.

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

We ordered Taco Bell tonight. My wife didn’t ask for any sauces, but for some reason they threw in some extras. Apparently every sauce packet they still had at the restaurant.

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

Parents: No, you can’t have cake for breakfast.

Parents: Sure, you can have a donut. (A deep fried cake)

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

I saw a lot of 6-7 costumes, and they were all worn by adults. When the adults have taken over the kids’ joke, it has gone cold.

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

Our grocery store triages people for self-checkout by asking, "Cash or card." I said, "Check." Threw her off her game. I am positive that the Venn diagram of people who use self-checkout and those who pay with a check has zero overlap between the two groups.

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

You need to learn long division as a kid so that you can then relearn it to teach your kids long division.

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

If I exercise and am overweight, isn't that the same as exercising with a weighted vest? #askingforafriend

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

With all that is happening in the world, is Cracker Barrel's rebranding where you want to spend your passion and outrage?

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

Parent: Give me a minute.

Kid: How long is a minute?

Parent: However long it takes me.

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

12-year-old: "Dad, she has this phone that you can only get music that you have to pay $1/song for. $1 for every song! That is crazy!!"

My, how times have changed.

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

How tall does your lawn have to be to cut and bale hay? #askingForAFriend

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

You know what is deflating? Having your Apple watch tell you that you didn't meet your stand goal. Could there be a simpler fitness goal to achieve?

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

Seen in large letters on a package of nutritional supplements, “Now with 90% less plastic.” Ah… don’t you want 100% less plastic?!?

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

If you find yourself buying cologne from a gas station bathroom vending machine, do not do whatever drove you to want to buy it.

[Dan Whiting @danwhiting]

@ShelbyKerns @CameronDCrain I saw this in my feed and thought, Shelby will surely want to go. Then I saw that you were the one sharing it.