Danny Chamberlain

[That Rabbit Guy @Son_ImSleep]

When I die print my tweets out and put them inside fortune cookies and I’m dead ass

[Blake Burge @blakeaburge]

Major cheat code for life: realizing you really can just wake up one day and say "that's enough of that" and change direction completely.

[ACERVO @AcervoCharts]

Japoneses dizem que todas as vezes que compartilhamos um Buda sorridente, ganhamos dinheiro, sorte ou boas notícias.

[Mod @CFCMods]

Don’t say anything , just repost.

[𐌕 🍂 @fwtimini]

A lot of people don't realize it yet, but we're living through one of the darkest periods in human history.

[alexa @alexadoingstuff]

Was getting a little flustered thinking I overcooked the potatoes and my bf goes “potatoes are very forgiving” and it was just so powerful I hope everyone can one day experience the forgiveness of a potato

[Hoops McCann @ravidravidravid]

we are so goddamn lucky to have our eyes witness something like that. a guy with a nice camera, the foresight, and the modern internet to carry that vision as it was seen right into our laps. more than 100 billion people lived and died without seeing that once, ever

[J!G @TheJigStillUp]

Y'all bitches done took the prostitute lingo, fashion, tactics but get mad when y'all get grouped with them LMAOOOO you outside in fishnet at the steakhouse bar looking for a trick and think you not a whore???

[Avery Edison @aedison]

incredibly cathartic to read this written down somewhere “serious”. from: https://t.co/kB0Xd1Vwk6

[mika @mikasagrada]

Você tem 7 anos e acabou de acordar no meio de uma viagem de carro durante a madrugada:

[Atlas Press @realAtlasPress]

Victor Hugo, powerful

[THERAVADA @THERAVADA]

Smartest thing you can do is realize you may have never been that smart

[valking ♔ @_VALKlNG]

Remember, if you're not happy while you are single, you won't be happy in a relationship.

Happiness comes from Lionel Messi, not relationships.

[Iamemperor @Iamemperor00]

Judge: “You are charged with breaking into City Hall at 2:13 a.m. How do you plead?”

Defendant: “Confused.”

Judge: “That’s not one of the options.”

Defendant: “Then not guilty.”

Judge: “Very well. Prosecutor?”

Prosecutor: “Your Honor, security footage clearly shows the defendant entering the building after hours.”

Defendant: “That’s true.”

Lawyer: “Please stop helping them.”

Judge: “You admit you entered the building?”

Defendant: “Yes.”

Lawyer: “Please stop.”

Judge: “Then why are you pleading not guilty?”

Defendant: “Because I was invited.”

Prosecutor: “By whom?”

Defendant: “The mayor.”

Judge: “The mayor invited you to City Hall at 2:13 in the morning?”

Defendant: “Indirectly.”

Lawyer: “We’re using that word very loosely.”

Judge: “Explain.”

Defendant: “The mayor posted online that citizens should participate more in local government.”

Prosecutor: “That is not an invitation.”

Defendant: “I participated.”

Judge: “At 2:13 a.m.?”

Defendant: “Civic engagement doesn’t sleep.”

Lawyer: “Please stop talking.”

Judge: “What exactly did you do after entering the building?”

Defendant: “I fixed the clock.”

Judge: “The clock?”

Prosecutor: “The large clock above the entrance.”

Judge: “The one that’s been broken for six months?”

Prosecutor: “Yes.”

Judge: “You repaired it?”

Defendant: “Someone had to.”

Lawyer: “Again, not helping.”

Judge: “Why not notify the city?”

Defendant: “I did.”

Judge: “And?”

Defendant: “Eight emails.”

Prosecutor: “We found those.”

Judge: “You ignored eight emails?”

Mayor: “In my defense, I ignore most emails.”

Judge: “Why is the mayor here?”

Mayor: “Curiosity.”

Defendant: “Also because he owes me twenty dollars.”

Judge: “What?”

Mayor: “The clock repair kit.”

Defendant: “I kept the receipt.”

Judge: “Let me understand this. You broke into City Hall to repair city property after the city ignored your complaints?”

Defendant: “Correct.”

Judge: “And the repair worked?”

Mayor: “Perfectly.”

Judge: “…”

Defendant: “Can I get my twenty dollars now?”

Mayor: “Can I pay after lunch?”

Judge: “All of you, out of my courtroom.”

[AJ @ajdeluxe_]

"He better not kill her" - me watching a show called 'my husband who killed me'

[Khanya_Siluma🇿🇦 @SilumaKhanya]

I love it when Black people say “here comes your friend” and when you look up it’s someone you hate