Darren Toft

Fish Fryer, train enthusiast, lover of quizzes and an embarrassing dad!

[Emma Trimble @Emma_A_Webb]

The World’s End in Finsbury Park… very good!

[Paul Rees. ex Rucksack. @HannahIamthest1]

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[The Jackal… @ToonDazza]

Morning Argentina…..

[Yorkie 'B' 🏴‍☠️ RN VD and Scar..🇬🇧 @RenownVet21]

Fixed it for ya, ya cheating, dirty bastards

[Fesshole🧻 @fesshole]

If the Euro Millions jackpot is under 50 million I refuse to buy a ticket as I feel the prize pot is beneath me. I've got £14 in my bank account

[Andrew Neil @afneil]

Aren’t you the minister for safeguarding women against violence?
And you have to apologise for what you tweeted after a fellow female politician was violently murdered?
Isn’t that a resigning matter?

[Fesshole🧻 @fesshole]

I get nervous when coworkers show cleavage. Don't want to glance even accidentally. I pretend I'm Picard, who didn't once glance at Troi's cleavage in seven years. I must sound pompous to them but better than living in fear of ridicule.

[Thrilla the Gorilla @ThrillaRilla369]

Remember back in the day when we would all line up at a carnival to see a fat tattooed lady with a beard, now they are everywhere…

[Lone_Heckler @TheLoneHeckler]

I came out of Tesco's this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.
Apparently she'd lost all of her holiday money.
I felt so sorry for her I gave her £20

I don't usually do that kind of thing, but I'd just found £2000 in the car park.

[June Slater @juneslater17]

Peter Tatchell wants to remind people of his dislike of Ann Widdecome on the day of her death and possible murder
I think it's a good time to remind people of how he views sex with children
👇👇

[Old Salty Marine @BamaSaltyMarine]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[Breadman @BTCBreadMan]

The next time you’re feeling down, remember it's all about perspective. I got a friend who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries, & has people who want to have sex with him all the time & yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison

[Itchie Ball @Itchieball]

Apparently once you hit your 60's you should go back to the hobbies you had at 15 because you'll be happier.
If anyone wants me l'll be in the park with a 1ltr bottle of Cider, 10 B&H with absolutely no shits given 😬

[Fesshole🧻 @fesshole]

My husband pissed me off so much one that I poured a sachet of laxatives in his tea. He was ill for two days and he blamed it on a sandwich he bought at a popular shop. He reported them to the council and tried to get local newspaper involved. He can never know the truth.

[Old Salty Marine @BamaSaltyMarine]

Took my dog in to sign up for welfare.

The lady said, dogs aren’t eligible.

I replied, why not, she’s unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and doesn’t have a clue who her daddy is!

[Have I Got News For You @haveigotnews]

Ed Sheeran performed a private gig for the England team, making the players appreciate just how lucky Jordan Henderson was to leave the squad early

[ragtimebillypeaches @dazreynolds4]

Past a mini bus full of teenagers today on motorway, no arses in the back window no wanker or 2 fingers as I passed all hunched over monged on there phones, broken Britain

[Yorkshire Victor Meldrew+his dog @TheMeldrew]

Unbelievable, just when you think they can't sink any lower Sky news have doorstepped Count Binfaces family

[WeGotitBack 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🇬🇧🇺🇸 @NotFarLeftAtAll]

Meet the real Ed Davey

Ed Davey earned £833 an hour – over £220,000 in total – advising lawyers representing the Post Office. This involved taking taxpayers’ money to persecute terrified and innocent people.