Dennis Quaid

Professional asshole. Sometimes I act, too.

[Dennis Quaid @DasQuaid]

Happy Festivus!

[Dennis Quaid @DasQuaid]

Dear Dr. @DesertBus: Dennis Quaid approves! FOR THE CHILDREN!!! #DesertBus

[Bill So Hard @PimpBillClinton]

Fellas, never let your wife call you a pervert if she's standing in line to see a movie about a chick trying to hump a wolf AND a dead guy.

[Bill So Hard @PimpBillClinton]

How awesome would it be if Charlie Sheen started banging Demi Moore?

[Bill So Hard @PimpBillClinton]

#MyIndianName Hillary's is Farts Like Tuba.

[Bill So Hard @PimpBillClinton]

#MyIndianName is Humps Like Rabbit.

[Bill So Hard @PimpBillClinton]

I think i'd rather have tried to sandpaper a bobcat's ass in a phone booth than come in to the office today.

[Bill So Hard @PimpBillClinton]

You haven't lived if you haven't laid on a waterbed drinking a Coors Light and eating a McRib while watching a Cops marathon.

[Bill So Hard @PimpBillClinton]

This illegal use of the hands penalty is REALLY going to hurt Penn St.

[Bill So Hard @PimpBillClinton]

Saw a sign that said "Insert Bill Here" sooooo long story short I got my dong caught in a vending machine today.

[Bill So Hard @PimpBillClinton]

Fathead: good name for a poster on your wall. GREAT name for a sexual favor from a husky gal.

[Dennis Quaid @DasQuaid]

Seven for twelve so far tonight with the line, "Bet you $10 my dick won't fit in your mouth."

[Dennis Quaid @DasQuaid]

Sometimes I can't tell the difference between Breaking Bad and real life, then I remember I don't have lung cancer.

[Bill So Hard @PimpBillClinton]

Ladies, disregard this "No Shave November" business. Sincerely, Dudes Everywhere.

[Dennis Quaid @DasQuaid]

And her hair's the size of a boulder! She smacked me with a frying pan!

[Dennis Quaid @DasQuaid]

Her eyes, they shone like they're shinin'! I swear she had pidgeons for hands.

[Bill So Hard @PimpBillClinton]

#ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage Verne Troyer's foreskin.

[Jesus Christ Edge Lord Parody & Savior @Jesus_M_Christ]

As the most eligible black bachelor in the universe, I'm calling dibs on Kardashian's ass. You guys can have the rest.

[Bill So Hard @PimpBillClinton]

So @KimKardashian is back on the (black) market?

[Bill So Hard @PimpBillClinton]

Whether she's got a prenup or not, I bet @KimKardashian ends up "in the black" when this is over.