Matt Donato

I’m probably the person I am because I’m short. and that’s sad.

[Matt Donato @dattmonato]

I’ve been going through some stuff so I’m just gonna start tweeting again and there’s nothing you can do or say to stop me.

[Matt Donato @dattmonato]

@FiestaDeCasa @nickkroll I literally did this only for you

[Matt Donato @dattmonato]

@nickkroll Spooky Coach Pumpkin Steve #bigmouth #pumpkincarving #coachsteve

[Thomas Massie @RepThomasMassie]

If we violate the Constitution to build a wall, then the wall protects nothing.

[Matt Donato @dattmonato]

“Firework” by Katy Perry has to be one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard. “Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?” What? A bag? You’re asking me if I feel like a bag? A bag.

[Matt Donato @dattmonato]

I’m at a local bagel joint (that’s what I call bagel places) and this lady goes “I’ll have a medium iced coffee with the ice cubes that are also made out of coffee” and the girl behind the counter said “okay.” What a time to be alive man. #bagels

[Megan Amram @meganamram]

yeah, sure, i like sorkin. sorkin my own dick

[Matt Donato @dattmonato]

Gym Member Outfit #263: Subject seems to be about 53 years old, white sleeveless shirt that reads “Cancun” in plain grey, basketball shorts, full leg compression pants with grey black and white camo, super spiked hair. Reason for gym membership likely to be erectile dysfunction.

[Karate Barbados @Kdaddy91]

Jesse Stier is an awful person. He’s not funny at all. #tacky

[Matt Donato @dattmonato]

Oh hey I didn’t see you there. #Pizza https://t.co/04OajamrZ7

[Matt Donato @dattmonato]

Airplane food??! I hardly know her!

[Matt Donato @dattmonato]

Something something something punch line IM FUCKING BACK.

[Matt Donato @dattmonato]

I have nightmares of riding a pepperoni like a surfboard down the tongue of my boss into his acidy belly, where my skin falls off and I die.

[Matt Donato @dattmonato]

Two 40 year olds discretely shamed me for not using Twitter. So here I am I guess. #ItsBrittanyBitch

[Matt Donato @dattmonato]

@tedcruz you're literally spineless. You put politics before family. You should be ashamed of yourself. I know your family is ashamed of you

[Mike Birbiglia @birbigs]

"Mike Pence just lied for 90 minutes straight but he was SO CALM ABOUT IT." -all media #VPDebate

[Matt Donato @dattmonato]

@GRRMspeaking dude.............how? How are you letting this happen? Please. Make it stop. I'm literally begging you.

[Matt Donato @dattmonato]

So, is sneezing is the OG dabbing? I don't understand.

[Matt Donato @dattmonato]

@SeaHawkersPod is this a good place to keep this sweet thrift store find???

[Matt Donato @dattmonato]

@rosannascotto Hey, could you stop saying Donald Trump is "fun" to watch? This is a serious situation & you seem to think it's a big joke.