Frankie Handstand

actually sick, seriously dope

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

*me, on the streets of san francisco, surrounded by the elite*
*me, looking at the elite*
“fucking the elite. I love the fucking elite”

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

woman looks at me, “pissed” bc she “heard me fart.” go ahead and call the cops why dont you. do i as a man, have to go to jail, simply bc i love to rip ass in public?

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

when i see a 30 year old hunk sprinting to his gate in the airport, not only do i think “i wanna be that hunk,” i also think “i want that hunk in my trunk”

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

trying to explain to a girl that it was cute when i just farted loud at the cafe. She is not buying it. now im really feeling like a fish out of water

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

what can i say? Other than that i am pissed as hell. my 14 year old neighbor took a dirty dump on my kia sorrento bc he thought it was a brand new tesla model x

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

my subordinates at the factory keep calling me a fascist right to my face. I simply tell tjem i dont even know what that even means

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

scholars agree i’m the leading expert in pee pee poo poo technology.. then why the hell am i making minimum wage ??

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

so many people are telling us now “dont be a pervert”, but nobody is telling us the nuts and bolts of not being a pervert.i havent gone to the Y in almost 12 weeks

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

People make me mad as hell. I tell them “my husband is vegan” and immediately they think he’s a shrimp. My husband is not a shrimp.. he’s a vegan, but he’s super jacked and hella rich

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

how i became the first woman to pay my husband only 2 million dollars to be more silly with me

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

my boss fired me (all just because he saw 1000 pictures of my own ass on my phone?)

?? what the hell is going on anymore

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

sucking the living hell out of my baby bar (maXX strength vape) , wondering where all the time has gone (ages 12-16)

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

me as a 21 y/o man, looking at pics of David Foster Wallace— “how the fuck do i become like you?”

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

me *pulling the pb&j i packed for the flight out of my backpack*
the person sitting next to me “excuse me i’m highly allergic to nuts could you please put that away”
me “?? Shut the fuck up dawg. I am gunna eat this shit ”

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

this is my beef sandwich I ordered for the plane ride at terminal 3. there’s nothing that i love more than eating beef 10,000 feet up in the sky

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

“Me and my girlfriend are both aisle people. We like to sit in the aisle seat of the plane because we love to piss. So what we do is we book two aisle seats next to each other. Then we share bites of the complimentary seafood linguine and talk about netflix”

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

whats the difference between a pretty mouse and a pretty blouse? .. i don’t got 10,000 pretty blouses living in my garage

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

watching a movie like one with timothee or matt damon i wonder
1. does it literally get any better than this?
2. if this is the peak of human evolution, what’s next?
3. how many more years will mark zuckerberg be alive? 100? 200? 4000 more years?

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

im a buff and fun loving dude. 69 years and still young. super fit and tan. i’m basically a dog on hind legs

[Frankie Handstand @datwheatlife34]

Broad Shoulders and a Skinny Neck: How i Went from Being One of America’s Top Salesmen to Being the Most Hated Man in the World