woman looks at me, “pissed” bc she “heard me fart.” go ahead and call the cops why dont you. do i as a man, have to go to jail, simply bc i love to rip ass in public?
when i see a 30 year old hunk sprinting to his gate in the airport, not only do i think “i wanna be that hunk,” i also think “i want that hunk in my trunk”
what can i say? Other than that i am pissed as hell. my 14 year old neighbor took a dirty dump on my kia sorrento bc he thought it was a brand new tesla model x
so many people are telling us now “dont be a pervert”, but nobody is telling us the nuts and bolts of not being a pervert.i havent gone to the Y in almost 12 weeks
People make me mad as hell. I tell them “my husband is vegan” and immediately they think he’s a shrimp. My husband is not a shrimp.. he’s a vegan, but he’s super jacked and hella rich
me *pulling the pb&j i packed for the flight out of my backpack*
the person sitting next to me “excuse me i’m highly allergic to nuts could you please put that away”
me “?? Shut the fuck up dawg. I am gunna eat this shit ”
“Me and my girlfriend are both aisle people. We like to sit in the aisle seat of the plane because we love to piss. So what we do is we book two aisle seats next to each other. Then we share bites of the complimentary seafood linguine and talk about netflix”
watching a movie like one with timothee or matt damon i wonder
1. does it literally get any better than this?
2. if this is the peak of human evolution, what’s next?
3. how many more years will mark zuckerberg be alive? 100? 200? 4000 more years?