David Heti

I just want to apologize to everyone

[David Heti @davidheti]

Three more Monk albums for the kids. *Then* I can kill myself

[David Heti @davidheti]

Baseball game’s a good place to think about your father who’s passed

[David Heti @davidheti]

Gotta better pretend to be charmed by the dog in the elevator

[David Heti @davidheti]

So disgusted this morning having to see everyone who didn't win an Oscar

[David Heti @davidheti]

I hope that thing I ordered wasn’t supposed to be coming through the Strait of Hormuz

[David Heti @davidheti]

Why should I pay more for the ticket to see a show of someone my own age than they would pay to see my show??

[David Heti @davidheti]

Passed over for Pope yet again

[David Heti @davidheti]

@beckysphone1981 Becky! I guess everyone around me is getting older these days. Can’t/shouldn’t complain, probably. How are you?

[David Heti @davidheti]

Everyone looking shabbier generally

[David Heti @davidheti]

Always a shock just how many more homeless people there are on the subway than in my car

[David Heti @davidheti]

When a couples therapy on Valentine's, do you offer the flowers before or after the session?

[David Heti @davidheti]

Can't believe my girlfriend would rather go to her sister's destination wedding than purchase a $4000 subwoofer

[David Heti @davidheti]

Djokovic continuing to make me look bad

[David Heti @davidheti]

Biden for VP

[David Heti @davidheti]

Montreal show tomorrow. 7pm. BENELUX. Comedy On The Well Fest

https://t.co/6eBrlzwDiJ

[David Heti @davidheti]

Instead of summiting Everest I’d like to see more of those tiresome adventure types make goes at the Darién Gap

[David Heti @davidheti]

This series has really given me a lot of hope for the second half of my life

[David Heti @davidheti]

What kind of sadist invented this day? Every year makes me wish my mother had never been born

[David Heti @davidheti]

People walking around outside early-spring ought to be better looking than this