dcolbert

I was raised by a toothless bearded hag. I was schooled with a strap right across my back.

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

@elonmusk Insurance policy, leave your trillion to far right extremist groups- if you die, they're f*ckd.

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

@KonstantinKisin If things are already boiling over and he us teplaced by someone worse, it will accelerate the reaction - and we're running out of time to react.

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

@steph_satirical @MikeSouthWestUK So if you only r-pe white English girls but never say it is only white, English girls you are going to r-pe, it is 't racist? Got it.

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

#irony @bbc @BBCLondonNews

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

@theDonutShaman @Nerdrotics Tell me you are a POS person without saying you are a POS person.

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

@Nerdrotics The bad news, they made us put something on our bodies that causes fast, aggressive cancers. The good news, we're better at besting cancer than ever. The bottom line, Healthcare profits soar.

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

Here is the doctrine, and it is academic. 1: I am oppressed. 2: You are privileged. 3: Anything you do that triggers me is racist. They start with low hanging fruit - Swastikas, a Noose, Burning Crosses, Klan Robes. Things no one will disagree with but a racist. 4: My symbols cannot be offensive - Hammer and Sickle, Black Power/Panther Fist, ACAB, AntiFa because see #1. 5: They turn up the rhetoric - using POCs in branding and teams are offensive, you must remove Uncle Ben, rename The Indians and the Redskins, Appropriating our culture is racist. 6: We need you to be inclusive - the Little Mermaid and Little Orphan Annie should be POCs - James Bond should be black, a woman, and gay. 7: Your national flag is racist. You can't fly it in your own country because it makes immigrants afraid.

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

@SenWarren God I wish you would go away. Our system is EXCELLENT so that people of extraordinary vision and drive can achieve things that create TRILLIONS of dollars of wealth, not just for them, but for all of society - and people like you hate that.

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

@Keir_Starmer He does remind me of someone, though....

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

@amazon @littlecaesars By the time I added the delivery fee, the service fee, the small order fee and a tip, I could get a pizza from @Costco that is 3 times as good for $5 less.

You're doing this wrong when you convince me to drive to CostCo to buy a pizza that I know is a better value and tastes better than yours.

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

@WolfgangRichtEU This is supposed to be satire, right?

[M.A. Rothman @MichaelARothman]

𝐀 𝐌𝐀𝐍 𝐖𝐀𝐋𝐊𝐄𝐃 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 𝐀 𝐂𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐂𝐈𝐋 𝐌𝐄𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘 𝐋𝐈𝐁𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐂𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐇𝐄 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐋𝐎𝐔𝐃

It went viral as an “𝘶𝘯𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘣𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭 𝘮𝘦𝘭𝘵𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯” Then it clicked. This man must be a satirist (I hope), and he is operating at the very top of his craft.

He steps to the podium and opens with “𝘐𝘯 2015, 𝘉𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘦 𝘚𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘶𝘱” From there it is a firehose of every talking point you have ever heard, delivered with a completely straight face.

He mourns his “𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘨𝘢𝘺 𝘴𝘪𝘹-𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳-𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘯𝘦𝘱𝘩𝘦𝘸” who, he explains, wanted only one thing for his birthday: the COVID vaccine, “𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘶𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺”

That was the tell. 𝐒𝐢𝐱-𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫-𝐨𝐥𝐝. 𝐎𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐠𝐚𝐲. 𝐓𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫. 𝐀𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐯𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭. You cannot write a sharper parody of the worldview than that.

Then he builds his case that Trump is worse than Hitler. His reasons: Trump “𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴” and Hitler does not. Hitler at least made people wear masks. And Hitler, he says, had the “𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘺” to leave everyone alone.

He closes with his hero, 𝐊𝐥𝐚𝐮𝐬 𝐒𝐜𝐡𝐰𝐚𝐛, quoting the line back word for word: “𝘣𝘺 2030 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺” “𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘩𝘪𝘮, 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧𝘪𝘴𝘩”

The best part is the room. The council members keep glancing at each other — is this real? Is this actually happening? 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥. And that is the genius of it.

Great satire works because it does not exaggerate. It just repeats the real thing, in order, with a straight face, until the absurdity speaks for itself. He did not invent a single one of these lines. He just stacked them.

𝐈𝐟 𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐫𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐳𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐧 𝐥𝐞𝐟𝐭, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞. 𝐀+.

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

@AOC You are such a stupid koont. His trillions didn't crush people, it lifted them up. You are a literal agent of evil.

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

@elonmusk Congratulations on creating 3 trillion dollars of gross worth in society and being with 1=3rd of it on paper. Now buy all the shit Bill Gates wants and make him feel like a 2nd class citizen.

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

@facebook I figured you had finally just banned me.

[Elon Musk @elonmusk]

In 2030 for making a Facebook comment that the UK government didn’t like

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

@realDonaldTrump Venezuela is taken care of - but once we get done with Iran - maybe next we should liberate England from it's authoritarian regime.

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

@elonmusk And it isn't fascists or the Far Right. It is just people who are sick of having immigrants beheading and raping native citizens in their own nation. Weird how being upset over that is a Far Right agenda now.

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

@RealLuthen Additionally, while transsexual identity and gender dysphoria are legitimate mental issues - the promotion of gender ideology on the left has resulted in social contagion - the exploding number of trans-identifying children is simply like punk or metal. Passing adolescent fads.

[dcolbert @dcolbert]

@GovPressOffice Because California counts every vote, some of them 2 or 3 times, depending on who the vote counts for?