Daddy Smurf

#BigCat

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

Obviously the people at @PhilipsNorelco do not have real balls. Otherwise they’d know not to market the “OneBlade Intimate” as no nicks, pulls, or cuts. All you need to spend a day with my balls before claiming that. That thing has cut me every time I’ve tried to use it. Garbage

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

If the state of New York can euthanize Peanut the Squirrel because of a fear of Rabies; why hasn’t the state of Georgia euthanized @mtgreenee for the same reason?

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

Has anyone checked on Jimmy Carter lately?

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

I am appalled at the price of aerosol cheese.

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

Took little man with me to work today. He didn’t seem to minds all the pets and attention.

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

@PhilAIV Wrong number 😝

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

My @PayPal and @Venmo accounts have been deactivated with no specifics given other than “Due to the nature of your activities, we have chosen to discontinue service to you.” I use PayPal every blue moon as a checkout option and I use Venmo to pay my hairdresser. WTF?!

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

As an elder millennial school shootings started with Columbine. I cannot remember any before that.

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

Someone remind me in 9 to 12 business days that I was on step 487 when my missing @LEGO_Group piece comes in the mail. 😩 There went my weekend plans…

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

I’m at that age where I can’t tell if there’s a hair in my food or if it’s just an eye floater.

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

@PhilAIV mask4masc

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

This fluff got me feeling like Tina Turner. We don’t need another hero… 🎵

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

@Xfinity remotes; measuring dicks since 2010.

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

They are building an @arbys near work (I didn’t know they built them I thought they’ve just existed since the Big Bang) but I digress. It has a double drive-thru and I’m sorry but has anyone ever seen an Arby’s busy enough for all that?

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

Flipping through Zillow looking at houses for sale in the neighborhood and no lie I want these people’s shower curtain.

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

I just sent my mom a “you up?” text. 🤦🏻‍♂️

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

I’ve been at work for 45 minutes now and just realized why I can’t read anything on my monitor… I left my glasses at home.

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

Happy Birthday to me! Dead center row A

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

Never would I imagine hearing The 1975 in a Vegas casino… not mad at it.

[Daddy Smurf @DDYSMRF]

Bruh, it’s 5am. I go to work this early to avoid this shit.