Ben's jokes

Joke maker upper: All of the jokes featured here are completely original (in a sense that I haven't heard any of them before). Enjoy!

[Beanie @beaniemaxi]

Deeze is the last guardian at the ct gate. Protect him at all costs.

[Ben's jokes @deano674]

I once saw a matador using pickled flower buds instead of a red flag. Turns out he was very caper bull.

[Ben's jokes @deano674]

Q: what do you get when a vagina does a Shakespearean monologue? A: a soliloquieaf

[Ben's jokes @deano674]

I get really turned on when I'm a bed store whilst it is raining. I have frequent wet Dreams about it

[Ben's jokes @deano674]

I just ejaculated all over the main entrance to Barnards castle. #cumgate

[Ben's jokes @deano674]

Whatever happened to Oscar Wilde's second novel about paintings of decaying Asian Fruits? A picture of Durian Grey

[Naomi Long MLA @naomi_long]

So after telling us remaining in the EU would mean all these things being forced on the UK it now appears it suits this charlatan to admit that we have huge power in the EU after all.

Who knew, eh?

Oh, that's right...Remain knew and so did Leave, but Leave lied about it.

[Edward Nickell @CestNickell]

Owners of @smeguk ovens (SC336X) beware - at least four of these in my building have had the glass panel explode to smithereens this year, showering glass over people! SMEG have not replied to my email and on the phone weren't interested in anything outside warranty. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Flightradar24 @flightradar24]

A huge thank you to everyone sharing data with the Flightradar24 network for making this possible! If you’d like to help increase coverage and get a free Business subscription check out https://t.co/2ueKY9rveZ

[Ben's jokes @deano674]

Due to Brexit, my friend Patrick moved to Italy and, in order to fit in better with locals, changed his name to Marco. He's now an ex-pat.

[Ben's jokes @deano674]

Pokemon in Italian Bread shops - got focaccia mall!

[Ben's jokes @deano674]

Q: How do you cure a rash in a linux computer's root directory? A: Sudo Cream

[Ben's jokes @deano674]

Root vegetable libraries - now that's a turnip for the books

[Ben's jokes @deano674]

Tesco has no more Japanese rice wine. For heaven's saké

[Edward Nickell @CestNickell]

Long ticket queues @TLRailUK Blackfriars leading to missed trains. No one manning ticket kiosks

[Ben's jokes @deano674]

Looking forward to my flight to Prague. It's nearly time to Czech in!

[Penguin Books UK @PenguinUKBooks]

Many people don’t get the support they need to deal with mental health problems. That’s why starting today, every time you tweet using #YourNowIsNotYourForever or share this post, we will donate £1 to the incredible @MindCharity (up to 10K). Find out more: https://t.co/lq0CzBEcWE

[Ben's jokes @deano674]

@sallbaines Sssssh no-one will notice ;)

[Ben's jokes @deano674]

Hi I'm Barry, an orthopaedic surgeon from Hack-knee

[Ben's jokes @deano674]

My friend won a Michelin star for his restaurant specialising in chickpea based dips. Sadly it was awarded posthoumously