dear aubrey.

“Gossip” Queer with a SJW twist 🏳️‍🌈🦄🏳️‍🌈. Conflict is not abuse ✍️. 🙅🏻‍♀️ Cancel Culture. Queer Ottawa’s still so so toxic💥IG @ dearxaubrey

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

The #Ottawa feminist & queer "community" is so toxic. You all can dish it out, but you can't take it. Acting like you're all these completely perfect humans who haven't hurt other ppl or caused lateral violence. Plz. It is NO SECRET that this group is f****. I said what I said.

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

@AngusByDesign That's totally fair. Anything in "quotations" are generally submissions from others. But, I would LOVE if you have anything to say or respond. This isn't exactly my wheelhouse. But, I wanted to honour the person's feelings and experiences.

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

#DearAubrey. "Speaking of toxic grossness.. Ottawa gay MEN's circles/hookup & Grindr culture. It is so superficial & narcissistic in many ways. From the compulsory disordered eating, internalized misogyny, RACISM, unattainable fitness/beauty standards.. the WORST. #queerottawa

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

When we start naming all behaviours abusive without looking at patterns of power, control and the context of dynamics it can be very damaging to everyone involved. It does not leave room for safety, healing, or justice. #dearaubrey #queerottawa

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

Behaviour/s alone are not inherently abusive. Lying. Stealing. Yelling. Hitting. Sleep disturbance.. I know we have knee jerk reactions to these things. Because they evoke certain emotions. But to understand violence & abuse we have to look at the context, intent & impact.

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

We generally know why these behaviours are seen as "harmful". But, sometimes survivors might lie to access their support networks. Sometimes survivors might steal as part of their safety plan. Sometimes survivors might use manipulation to de-escalate from more brutal violence.

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

Many survivors have used yelling, hitting, or pushing as a way to defend themselves. What differentiates abuse from survival or even unhealthy coping is a pattern of SUSTAINED power, control, and coercion. A persons lack of agency or choice in staying or leaving because of fear.

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

@AngusByDesign I'm not exactly sure what you mean, and I'm trying to understand the intentions behind the person who sent it. Maybe they mean that there are certain expectations that feel almost like a requirement to be part of these communities? To be desired? I'm not sure hmm.. Good question!

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

It's not very fun when the "gossip" is about you, amiright?
This just goes to show that public spectacles are not a good way of dealing with interpersonal & inter-community issues. It also shows that your silence & participation in gong shows actually cause harm. #queerottawa

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

#DearAubrey. "It's the slacktivism for me. What do I mean? ALL the queers/feminists screaming #SavetheORCC while simultaneously shaming ppl who have committed time, efforts, & careers to #survivors. How come these ppl SUDDENLY care about the ORCC? Typical. #queerottawa

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

"Wasn't fun, I left the job I was in for three years because of it. I just wanted to do my job and not be in competition with another person, especially another queer woman. Thank you for the catharsis by the way. It felt good to be able to say that anonymously." #dearaubrey

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

#DearAubrey "I used to work with [redacted] in this post, in a formal workplace. I don't know about harassment but she created a toxic environment by always comparing herself to me, ie commenting on my body and perceived popularity among male colleagues." #queerottawa

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

#DearAubrey. Long but worth the read. “Someone I care about, someone whom I’ve known for the better part of a decade recently experienced a pretty public call out and/or «smear campaign» that you speak of.” More on IG: https://t.co/qcfic3u3Iv

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

Of course, some of the posts are more easily identifiable than others. Esp for the ppl directly involved. Some of those are public knowledge. Some of these ppl have actively engaged in smear campaigns and public shaming of other individuals. #dearaubrey #queerottawa

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

The DMs I'm receiving are becoming increasingly detailed & personal. I try my best to honour the ppl messaging me & protect the identities of those involved. I am not into posting names or specific details. So don't ask me to. I will not do this. #dearaubrey #queerottawa

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

It is just meant to name the double standards, lateral violence, collective trauma, entitlement.. the overall power dynamics & toxicity that is actually HARMING our communities. #queerottawa #dearaubrey

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

Peoples ✍️ lives ✍️ are ✍️ not ✍️ power ✍️ games

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

“It does not allow for trauma survivors to do the work of discerning between past and present distress. And it attaches abuse allegations to people who have not been abusive, which obviously has huge consequences.” - #clementinemorrigan. #queerottawa

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

“In our effort to support survivors we have created a culture that encourages people to frame normative conflict, mismatched desires and needs, and generally unhappy relationships as abusive.” #queerottawa #dearaubrey #clementinemorrigan

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

“Unhappy relationships that do not involve violence, coercion, threats, humiliation, or control are not abusive. They are just unhappy. Abuse means something specific and it is important that we don’t use that word inaccurately.” #clementinemorrigan

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

“Encouraging people to understand unhappy relationships as abusive is extremely harmful for everyone involved. It does not allow adults to recognize the agency we have to leave dynamics that don’t serve us.” #clementinemorrigan

[dear aubrey. @dearxaubrey]

“Especially when people have trauma from childhood it can be very difficult to recognize our agency to leave relationships that don’t need our needs.” #clementinemorrigan