Decelerate Your Life

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

I'm so tired of her telling me Haitians aren't eating cats when she's Haitian and goes home and eats pussy every night

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

Just had to make sure it wasn't a Mandella effect.

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

Someone said "dudes in the military get married in their dress blues because they can't afford to rent a tux" and I never felt more personally attacked.

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

"Teachers don't get paid enough!"

It is enough to apparently give the students they fuck an allowance.

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

They couldn't afford it either.

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

St. Patrick's Day is just Kwanzaa for White people.

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

I got excited before I read the caption

[FOX Sports: MLB @MLBONFOX]

Israel has been eliminated from WBC title contention after their loss to the Dominican Republic.

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

The worst part of the USS Abraham Lincoln's deployment is that some boat 8 (civilian 3) won't be getting an all expense paid Dubai port visit courtesy of a married dude in her department.

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

The only thing that can defeat evil now is big naturals and a white Monster.

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

I dont know who @LinseyFaganTX is but saying the US hockey team give "rapist vibes" is absolutely unhinged and uncalled for at the very least.

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

British describing anything: I wonder if Muhammad will make us take this down.

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

Women will cry about a baby monkey who was rejected by it's mother and then turn around and get an abortion.

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

Nobody's a disappointment to their parents on stolen land.

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

If you start "Top Gun" at 11:51:14 tonight, Maverick will go inverted at midnight. Start your 2026 off right.

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

People give Kevin's dad shit for yelling at him for spend $967 on room service.

That's over $2,200 in today's money. I sure as hell would be beating that ass, too.

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

@CMC_MarineCorps Commandant, the Corps expects better. With documented retaliation and fraternization concerns, how does Col. Daniel J. Skuce meet the standard for general officer promotion? @secnav @deptofwar @sascdems @sascgop

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

President Trump announced a $1,776 bonus for each servicemember by Christmas.

In an completely unrelated note, strip clubs near bases will also see a bonus around Christmas time.

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

I'm running for president on the platform of restoring the American institution of halogen headlights. We are banning LED's. Once I accomplish that we address the alphabet people problem.

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

Me: fuck government overreach and regulation.

Also me: why is nobody doing anything about these too-damn-bright LED headlights?

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

People in the military complaining about their food stamps running out. Like what? Nigga just go to the chow hall and eat lol

[Decelerate Your Life @deceleratedlife]

If Trump said he aborted the East Wing liberal women would be celebrating.