David Finklestein

stand up comedian

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

Hello last years tissues in my coat pocket yellowed with age...I hope

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

Im on a show tonight at Union Hall and Im the only one on the lineup without a bio or credits. I dont think Im headlining

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

Im feeling depressed but trying to be positive... Im positive I'm depressed

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

It's weird being thirsty in the rain

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

My jokes are like G-d. When I have a bad show I stop believing in them

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

My favorite part of political humor is understanding it

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

Last night I peed on an empty subway platform. I'm still looking over my shoulder and freezing up every time a cop car drives by

[Ricky Gerro @rickygerro]

Please help me chase my dream. Vote for WHOLE WHEAT CRACKER and re-tweet this. I love you, it's purely platonic.

https://t.co/xEfz8ZKtuo

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

I keep eating my feelings and then can't stop feeling what I ate

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

I took a leap today. I asked the bus driver how his day was going. He said "Get behind the white line."

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

Running late because I couldn't see my clock on account of all the empty alcohol bottles blocking

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

The most consistent part of my comedy career has been bringing my phone on stage and forgetting to press record

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

My dream is to have enough money to afford subway performers

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

At this point I'm eating my chapstick

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

My favorite part of today is saying "See you next year" and feeling confident no one else has thought of that

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

Smokers shouldn't be allowed to complain when I pass gas

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

Tonight on stage I realized why I do comedy. Drink tickets.

[BklynHtsComedy @BklynHtsComedy]

Need some post-Chanukah Chomedy? How about @deefinks, @danceoval & @NdidiOriji? They'll be @VineappleCafe on Thursday night! Will you?

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

There is an undercover cop standing across from me but his handcuffs are hanging out. Should I let him know? I don't wanna embarrass him

[David Finklestein @deefinks]

Does getting mad at "train traffic ahead of us" count as road rage?