Dan Mueller

connoisseur wannabe

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

Have you noticed that over the last couple of years they've made fine print blurry and much harder to read?

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

@Sarkies_Proxy @Reddit Just a reminder:
https://t.co/xuZTrbmunZ

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

@Target Why is the Oak Lawn, IL Target still collecting sales tax on groceries in Illinois? It's supposed to be 0% (instead of 1.25%) as of July 1, yet my receipts still show the tax being charged.

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

@LinBrehmer Depends. Is it part of YOUR molar?

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

@BibiLynch Green Bay

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

@bazecraze Hoisin

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

Dad, I know that you're working, but can you stop? And look at me? Now, look at this TikTok. And while you're looking at the TikTok, I'm going to scroll your mouse wheel and click the buttons a few times. #2020

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

Drink every time you read the words "difficult times" in an email. Drink every time you read the word "unprecedented."
#quarantineFriday

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

If I had a nickel for every time I dumped a sandwich and chips on my lap while trying to work and eat while the dining room table is occupied with an in progress jigsaw puzzle today, I would have five cents. #whyyyyyyyyyyyy

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

My wife just offered me rice crackers as a substitute for potato chips. Does anyone know a good marriage counselor?

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

Uh oh. My nose has been running for the last four days. Also the last forty years.

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

Magazine quiz ~1975

SHOULD YOU NAME YOUR CHILD STEVE?
1. Is your child a boy?
2. Does your last name start with S?

Count the number of times you said Yes.
2: Yes. Name your child Steve.
0–1: May we recommend Mike?

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

@AlycatIsAlive @TheEggMan78 @eggy_boom We won’t be fooled again.

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

Also, they feel a lot like funerals to me.
Happy Friday. 🕺

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

Drove in my second birthday parade today. A few suggestions for improvement:

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

Finally, we could all get orange stickers that say BIRTHDAY on them to put on our windshields, then people would know we’re in a birthday procession... er... parade.

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

Has this plain yogurt gone bad? It tastes terrible. It's supposed to taste terrible, right?

[Dan Mueller @demuelle]

@Miyahoka Happy birthday!!!!