Cornelius Banderbilt

[Cornelius Banderbilt @derekmastercard]

Fantasy punishment: loser has to take the gaokao

[jake 🪷 @jakehasaproblem]

deleted a work email bc someone got mad at me in it

[audrey @phlegmme]

Alcohol is the #1 obstacle to weight loss. Just one beer is 200 calories. That means the average person is consuming over 4,000 extra calories every single workday

[Cornelius Banderbilt @derekmastercard]

It’s his house! He’s supposed to be there!

[Grimace Smoking Weed @high_grimace]

going to bar trivia and writing in "Who gives a shit?" for every single answer

[YONEWT 🆒 @yonewt]

ugh D batteries make such a racket in the garbage disposal

[Cornelius Banderbilt @derekmastercard]

I’m at the function turning on AM radio

[YNW Mel Blanc @EricTrillman_]

The edible has unlocked something within

[Cornelius Banderbilt @derekmastercard]

Will never understand people’s aversion to credit cards: if you don’t change your spending habits and put all of your expenses on your credit card and pay it all off on time, you’re literally getting paid to spend money through rewards

[Dimenpsyonal @dimenpsyonal]

"Get a credit card and pay it off immediately" - so I spend as normal, except now I'm borrowing money I already have, just to pay it back immediately. Nothing changes except I add A Layer Of Mental Illness to every purchase. Stupid system but I have to participate I guess

[Cornelius Banderbilt @derekmastercard]

You eat 2 almonds and find out that shit is basically 1 trillion calories…so fucced up

[🐳 @2001V01]

First sip... loading...
Caffeine processing...
Aaaaaand now you may speak to me

[gucci store majority shareholder @AdamdotH]

While many of you are likely yelling "GEAUX TIGERS!" or "GO CLEMSON!" I'm yelling "GO DISTRICT COURT JUDGES and the rule of law!"

[𝐬𝐨𝐯 @sovietsoleri]

this video kills me every time he was real for this

[Cornelius Banderbilt @derekmastercard]

Only use ethically sourced small business mom and pop data centers

[cav empty @cavempty_]

michael dolences

[𝓪𝓷𝓭𝓻𝓮 @snatchseason]

switched my grannys tv from hdmi2 to hdmi1

[para @sexyv1lla1n]

stole someone's chinese takeout and the fortune cookie said "you'll get what you deserve"

[meg man @MegManClone]

If yo girl is an administrative assistant that is not your girl that is an administrative assistant

[Joey Garcia @NotJosephGarcia]

That’s because you ignored all the signs.

[krill @anthraxp1mp]

Say Santa is fake again I’ll fucking fold you bro