derrick knopsnyder

Nap Connoisseur
Sometimes people pay me to tell jokes

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

My dog works for whatever the opposite of Build-A-Bear is.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

So the United States isn’t going to win the World Cup, but we’ve won 60 straight Super Bowls.

You tell me what’s more impressive.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

This is why people stop texting me.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

I don’t know what man needs to hear this but your wife doesn’t want flowers and chocolates this year. She wants you to listen to her talk shit about her co-workers and margaritas.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

I don’t know what man needs to hear this but your wife doesn’t want flowers and chocolates this year. She wants margaritas and Netflix documentaries about serial k*llers.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

About to start dry January. Not showering for the next 31 days.

Happy New Year.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

Idk who needs to hear this but book that trip. Go somewhere warm. Be half naked by a pool. Get a drink with a tiny umbrella.

Don’t waste your hot years answering emails for a company that literally has a plan in place to easily replace you if you “get hit by a bus”.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

First Bacon loses his nuts, then his owner loses the ball commemorating Bacon losing his nuts.

Ya hate to see it.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

Michigan is full of two things, potholes and pot stores.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

Just watched some people participate in some very heavy petting in line at Chipotle.

In case you’re wondering how my night is going.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

I’m just gonna say it. Every office needs a beer cart.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

Bananas are something else. They’re like ‘hey we know there’s 5 of us. No need to use us all right now. That would be crazy. Don’t worry, you have time.’

Then 10 minutes later, they’re brown like, ‘lol you dumb piece of shit. You’re an idiot. I can believe you fell for that.’

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

So now what? I’m just supposed to talk to my family on Sunday afternoons?

Pass.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

I heard he’s also bringing back MySpace, Vine, Friendster and my grandma. Big day for America.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

To be fair, TikTok was cool and all but I miss Vine.

ROAD WORK AHEAD? UH, YEAH, I SURE HOPE IT DOES.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

Someone wake that groundhog up and make him tell us spring is coming.

I’m done with winter.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

Told my wife I was on a losing streak with sports betting. She suggested that maybe I “take a few days off”.

Yeah, let’s just stop betting right before I get hot and turn it around. What terrible advice.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

Just pretend this post is a bunch of pictures of cool stuff I did this year.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

Boss: We need this project done before the new year.

Me: Then you should’ve given it to me in October. That sucks for you.

[derrick knopsnyder @derrickknopsny1]

Parents: If your kids are being d*cks, I’ll dress up as the Elf on the Shelf, walk around your house and bully them.

$25 an hour. Serious inquiries only.