50 Shades of Meh

A guy named Matt; not an actual detective, get someone else to help you find your dad.

[50 Shades of Meh @DetectiveMateo]

@Grubhub I suggest you screen your delivery drivers better. Because my last order was apparently "delivered" despite CLEAR instructions, by someone whose previous career experience was licking windows.

[50 Shades of Meh @DetectiveMateo]

@paramountplus for the love of fuck. FIX. YOUR. SHITTY. BUGGY. APP. I'm sick of it crashing right in the middle of a show. Get it together.

[Spar✘🇦🇬 @DjSparx268]

Just sent off an email saying warmest “retards” instead of “regards”

[Matt Neglia @NextBestPicture]

Not all heroes wear capes

[Drew Comments @sjs856]

There is no Venezuelan gang taking over apartments in white ass, open-carry Aurora, Colorado. 🤦🏾‍♂️

You people sound tf stupid

[Alex Cole @acnewsitics]

Damn, I'm going to frame this @lukepbeasley

[The Weekly Planet @TheWeeklyPlanet]

From the twisted mind of The Weekly Planet subreddit

[JAS 🤍🌶 | TOP 0.2% @codenamejas]

New 4K 19+MIN Yoga Video on my OF + Fansly! Enjoy booskies https://t.co/dX7dhXuxE4

[50 Shades of Meh @DetectiveMateo]

Where them "how was your order?" texts when y'all stay skimping on the hot sauce @tacobell I asked for 5 Diablo and got zero.

[Dennis Reynolds @AnEroticLife]

You know what I just realized? I don't care about anything she's saying.

[Governor Jared Polis @GovofCO]

Please keep garage doors and windows closed and locked at night and when you’re not home.

Don’t leave your garage door open when you’re not outside or you might bear witness to this 🐻

Video from @COParksWildlife

[50 Shades of Meh @DetectiveMateo]

Any porn producer that adds a blooper reel at the end of every scene can shut up and take my money.

[George Takei @GeorgeTakei]

Don't believe the hype.

[50 Shades of Meh @DetectiveMateo]

Age can be just as much as a metric for folly as it can be for wisdom.

[50 Shades of Meh @DetectiveMateo]

If you need coffee just to be a decent human being, consider the possibility that you might just be a cunt.

[50 Shades of Meh @DetectiveMateo]

It's cold and dark all the time, my joints ache constantly, I can't sleep right and that seasonal bullshit's kicking in so I'm cranky as hell. Y'all talk about how you LOVE Winter. Fuck off.

[50 Shades of Meh @DetectiveMateo]

I don't understand flies like dude fuck off ain't nobody wanted you here in the first place.

[50 Shades of Meh @DetectiveMateo]

@Drizly .yo your app literally won't let me log in.

[50 Shades of Meh @DetectiveMateo]

Not to get too specific but why don't flying bugs fuck off.

[50 Shades of Meh @DetectiveMateo]

@bespokepost yo it's the 20th and my box isn't here yet what's up with that?