Deurnes

This account is not associated with the D. Only here to inspire. ParoD Account

[Hanch Tarchup Jr. @misharipov]

Hate to bring this up in the middle of a heist but when I said I was a safe cracker I meant I'm a chill white guy

[𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖗𝖑𝖞❤️‍🔥 @Charlygotyou]

“He doesn’t look autistic”

My apologies, son perform autism for the lady please.

[🎷🐛 @WikiOoc]

Hotdogs were a ceremonial meal often consumed during the observation of a divination ritual sometimes known as "baseball" in a period known of the late American empire

[tanya @Tanya_Sabrinaaa]

[replying to my sister's text] ...and is there a mister carriage?

[ste(ph)en @stephenjmolloy]

"The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-"
*Greg burps*
"-actually, you know what, Greg? It's manners. The first rule is manners."

[ste(ph)en @stephenjmolloy]

Newsreader: "And now Tom with the weather."
Weatherman: "It's Tim, actually."
Newsreader: "Sorry. And now Tom with the tim."

[ste(ph)en @stephenjmolloy]

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

[Grosdoriane @Grosdoriane]

This is NOT what America is about. America is about *opens history book*

uh oh

*Frantically starts flipping though pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

[Ron Iver @ronnui_]

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don't like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don't bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I'm gonna light this flamethrower.

[jen merritt!!! @jennifermerr]

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What's updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Cop: you're going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

[m@thew @TweetPotato314]

wife: why r u putting garlic in ur pants

me: so dracula won’t try to eat my ass

wife: why would dracula try to eat ur ass

me: he won’t. the garlic- r u even listening

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

[Todd 'Papi' Carlos @TheToddWilliams]

[blind date]

HER: I'm a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

[Sassparilla @Megatronic13]

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes...

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

[John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp]

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no