YouTubers be like “wake up at 4am and run, that’s alpha!” No, it’s not. Look at apex predators; they’re all lazy. Bears hibernate, lions sleep all day. You know who wakes up at 4am and runs? Squirrels.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you're fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: Because of something my boss said
Interviewer: It says here you were fired
Me: That's the thing he said
Therapist: What's wrong?
Me: If I do the Borat voice once more, I'll be getting a divorce
Therapist: And who told you that?
Me: *tearfully clears throat*
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing
Me: I said I'm useless at remembering people's names
Wife: It's Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don't need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds