Jon

I'm only on season 3 of the news. No spoilers please.

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Like all the cool kids, I'm on Blue Sky these days

https://t.co/SWasJs1EAk

[𐌁𐌉Ᏽ 𐌕𐌉𐌌𐌉 @OrevaZSN]

YouTubers be like “wake up at 4am and run, that’s alpha!” No, it’s not. Look at apex predators; they’re all lazy. Bears hibernate, lions sleep all day. You know who wakes up at 4am and runs? Squirrels.

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you're fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: Because of something my boss said

Interviewer: It says here you were fired

Me: That's the thing he said

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Therapist: What's wrong?

Me: If I do the Borat voice once more, I'll be getting a divorce

Therapist: And who told you that?

Me: *tearfully clears throat*

[jo @whatsJo]

me: ok now let’s do a silly one

first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash

[eEric @ericsshadow]

WOMAN: some people shouldn't have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I'm useless at remembering people's names

Wife: It's Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

@MooseAllain Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that. Devastating.

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

[Steven W Skinner @SkinnerSteven]

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* "We've got a 13-88 in progress...it's a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn't know it"

[Michael Spicer @MrMichaelSpicer]

jim ratcliffe: [seeing man utd experiencing hope and optimism for the first time in 13 years] well.. better tell everyone i'm racist

[۟ @onreadermode]

Can we normalize saying we love a book without remembering anything about it.

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

GOD: 8
ANGEL: 9!
GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk
ANGEL: 10 lol
GOD: 15!!
ANGEL *mouthful of pizza* 25
GOD: 30!!
CENTIPEDE: *tearing up* stop giving me legs, I look stupid
GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL
ANGEL: LMAO

[Dan Polish Last Name @danjan13]

I'm looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don't need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we'll have the tube

[Cohen is a ghost @skullmandible]

most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

BOSS: Know why I called you in here?

ME: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic

BOSS [stops pouring 2 glasses of wine] Accidentally?

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

[while my wife opens up her christmas present] remember when you said we needed milk

[Michael Spicer @MrMichaelSpicer]

'this'll make you laugh'