eEric

I do the best tweets

[eEric @ericsshadow]

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

[eEric @ericsshadow]

AI stole my job but quit on Friday because it didn’t pay enough.

[eEric @ericsshadow]

@DaddyJew @dadmann_walking Good thinking Trent

[eEric @ericsshadow]

People say I'm a terrible father, but when my four year old broke his collar bone, who's the guy that dropped him off at the emergency room?

[Ivsy @Ivsy01]

I’ve had my time and I’m not really worried if I’ll have it again.

[eEric @ericsshadow]

WOMAN: some people shouldn't have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

[eEric @ericsshadow]

@theshamingofjay I am NOT happy about this decision, but you’re playing well.

[eEric @ericsshadow]

@GovernorShapiro What’s up with Pa state minimum wage? It’s embarrassing.

[eEric @ericsshadow]

I don't think Alexander Graham Bell intended for us to watch porn over the telephone.

[eEric @ericsshadow]

@beardimusprime Thank you

[eEric @ericsshadow]

My wife wants to join a cross training gym but she’s not sure if it’ll be too much for her so I suggested she start off slowly by turning off all the lights before she goes to bed.

[eEric @ericsshadow]

Seems like just yesterday I was reading instructions on how to open a box of wine and now I can open it with one hand in the car.

[eEric @ericsshadow]

NASA: you've been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that's awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

[eEric @ericsshadow]

30 days has September
April June and November
All the rest have 31
Except January which has 4,000

[eEric @ericsshadow]

@GovernorShapiro How’s the minimum wage increase going

[eEric @ericsshadow]

People say I'm a terrible father, but when my four year old broke his collar bone, who's the guy that dropped him off at the emergency room?

[eEric @ericsshadow]

Parenthood: When you make enough money to live an exciting, comfortable, stress free life, but decide to have kids instead.

[eEric @ericsshadow]

@E_Ville13 We’ll see you in November

[eEric @ericsshadow]

@MikeGallagher70 @EmbarrassedTomC I’m not. Conservatives don’t want min wage raised.

[eEric @ericsshadow]

@EmbarrassedTomC Now it’s my job