the pan-midwesterner

rev kev | just trying to get the approval of strangers | @ajokeexplainer | top tweets:

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i... just... told you?

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

when they need repairs done do van life people just like spend the night at the shop

[andrew @AndrewChamings]

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

if i were a figure skater i would simply do a triple axel every time

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

my wife just explained to my children that i am not in fact the strongest person in the world please respect my privacy at this time

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

[phone call]

HER: i wish our lives were more like TV or the movies

ME: *hangs up without saying goodbye*

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

if you think about it everyone is either a firstborn or youngest child

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

what’s up with attachment theory calling them styles? secure, anxious, dismissive, fearful. as if one isn’t significantly better than the rest. no. they’re just “styles” like an active choice. same as your clothes. i’d be secure but that just isn’t my style.

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

my dad just told me that i don’t struggle with mental illness it’s all in my head

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

whenever i read advice for better sleep

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

i just saved thousands on a new car by sending in my four year old to negotiate

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

i want to be an influencer but like an anti-influencer where everything i do is framed as something other people should definitely not do

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

Breaking: Woman Who Hates a Messy House Wants Another Kid

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

you know what rocket money won’t tell you? that you have two subscriptions to rocket money

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

@JeremyKing_ pita rabbit

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

falafelraptor

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

falafelraptor

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

@upscumbag @speakers0nblast im very sorry

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

[buying a dog]

hi yes i want to be absolutely devastated in like 11 years or so

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

@geekysteven not yet (barely here tbh) - should i be?

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

wife: what are you thinking about

guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it