Steve vs. Ninjas

Former zygote. Mastodon @[email protected]

[Steve vs. Ninjas @stevevsninjas]

1.Rage Against The Machine
2.Hold A Grudge Against The Machine
3.Get Over The Machine
4.Sincerely Hope The Machine Finds Happiness

[sydney @demiurgently]

asking “is there a private place to breastfeed” as an excuse to get into weird typically closed off parts of buildings. its called dark motherhood u wouldnt get it…

[jo @whatsJo]

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

[Carol Roth @caroljsroth]

Giving away a bed frame on FB marketplace- hilarious and a perfect encapsulation of online interactions 😂🤣

[𝔭𝔭 @athleisure_monk]

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

[Steve vs. Ninjas @stevevsninjas]

Stephen King: can u pitch my story to yr producer friend?
Sean Connery: yesh
King: don't fuck this up, it's called the sawsank redempsion

[Dan Nouement @nomanautomata]

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
"Eeeeeeeeeeee"

[Conajam @conajam]

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

[Schmrrrlex @alexlumaga]

I just realized it’s called a “quart” because it’s a quarter of a gallon. fuck

[🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 @WheelTod]

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn't real, and it's been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

[Steve vs. Ninjas @stevevsninjas]

Receptionist: who left a dirty coffee cup in the sink? Mino?
Minotaur: I KNOW THE CONTOURS OF A THOUSAND DANK PASSAGES, YET YOU THINK THE WHEREABOUTS OF MY OWN CUP ELUDE ME?
Receptionist: it says "I'm a-mazed by you"
Minotaur: haha o yea Kristi got me that for our anniversary

[Steve vs. Ninjas @stevevsninjas]

@JamesBondingPOD hey, I have an interesting guest suggestion, can I DM you?

[🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 @WheelTod]

[Funeral]

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"

Widow: "Please do"

Me *clears throat: "Plethora!"

Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we'll have the tube

[Josh RR Jokien @joshcarlosjosh]

dune 2? yeah I'm into dune 2: dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

[RichNeville @RichNeville]

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

[chip malfunction @online_shawn]

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

[Papazilla667! @Scottzilla667]

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that's just 10!

[Teslaconomics @Teslaconomics]

This has to be the hardest, most futuristic exit of a Cybertruck owner anyone has ever seen thus far 🔥

[Steve vs. Ninjas @stevevsninjas]

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.