Papazilla667!

Just do what the rock says...the one up there...

[Papazilla667! @Scottzilla667]

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What's the password?

[Papazilla667! @Scottzilla667]

You don't need everyone to be in love with you; just the one who is, even though you aren't an Oscar Mayer weiner.

[mariana Z @mariana057]

What's the point in blurring out the middle finger on television?

Like, oh you fooled me, what's behind that blur? An umbrella? An elephant?

[Papazilla667! @Scottzilla667]

My perpendicular parking skills are unparalleled.

[Lori @Cornjerker78]

Sperm: that guy tripped and fell at the very beginning of the race - how in 𝒉𝒆𝒍𝒍 did he beat the rest of us??

[9 months later]

Dad: Let’s name her Lori.

[Lori @Cornjerker78]

“The only person you can depend on is yourself”

Me: *locks myself out*

[Lori @Cornjerker78]

Can’t get your ducks in a row?

Call Huey, Dewey, and Louie for a free consultation

[SentientBunnySuit🐰 @SuitSentient]

USB engineers: How can we make USB cables easier to plug in?

HDMI engineers: How can we make HDMI cables harder to plug in?

[mariana Z @mariana057]

Boss: Do you think you can come in on
Saturday? I know you enjoy your
weekends but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. l'Il probably be
late though as public transport on
weekends is slow.

Boss: What time will you get here?

Me: Monday.

[The Real Rodney Lacroix @RealRodLacroix]

I told my wife I feel a cold coming on so she has already moved out.

[mariana Z @mariana057]

Does anyone else tell their pets, "I'll be back soon," when they leave the house?

Just me?

[Andy Ryan @ItsAndyRyan]

Me: 93F is the same as 34C
Wife: *holding enormous bra I've bought her* No

[Lori @Cornjerker78]

Don’t look at me I don’t even know how I came to be part of this conversation

[Lori @Cornjerker78]

DJ: now I’m gonna take you back to the ‘60s…everybody do “the robot”

Me looking at my Roomba date: c’mon and you better not embarrass me

[Natalie Would @_NatalieWould]

*has something nice to say*
*saves it for the eulogy*

[Natalie Would @_NatalieWould]

Sorry, I have to go home and feed my pet peeves

[Papazilla667! @Scottzilla667]

[Kids be tough these days...]

Me: *holding my 2-yo granddaughter's favorite blanket* Is this my blanket?

Her: No, it's mine *giggles*

Me: I don't see your name on it.

Her: Peepaw, it doesn't need my name on it cuz I ALREADY TOLD YOU IT'S MINE!

[Natalie Would @_NatalieWould]

*spends entire family barbecue giving the leftovers a proper burial*

[Lori @Cornjerker78]

“Are you packed for our camping trip?”

Me grabbing all-over body deodorant spray and that’s it: yep

[Natalie Would @_NatalieWould]

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire

[Lori @Cornjerker78]

A hearse is just a goth Uber