Tim O'Neill

life is way too complicated and brief....we need to laugh !

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

As people age , do they sleep more soundly ?
Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

Where do old people look for fashionable glasses ?
On their foreheads .

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

How can you tell when a moth farts ?
It flies in a straight line.

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball ?
Juan on Juan .

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant ?
Pilot error.

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

Your mama’s so old …
She owes Jesus three bucks .

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

Yo mama’s so old ….
When she was in school there was no history class.

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

How come Italians don’t like Jehovah’s Witnesses ?
They don’t like any witnesses.

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

How can you identify an Italian at a cock fight
He’s the one that bets on the duck.

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

How does a Red Neck find a sheep in tall grass ?
Very satisfying.

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

What’s an Australian’s idea of foreplay ?
You awake ?

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Ach ! It’s no’ that dark .

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

Why did God invent whiskey ?
So the Irish would never rule the world.

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

What’s a bassoon good for ?
Kindling for an accordion fire.

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

What do you call someone who hangs out with a group of musicians ?
A drummer.

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

What’s the definition of an optimist ?
A folk musician with a mortgage .

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

How many stoners does it take to change a lightbulb?
“ Oh wow, is it dark , man ? “

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

So a dyslexic walks into a bra…..

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

What did Jesus say as he was being crucified ?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

[Tim O'Neill @dezignguy]

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
How many can you afford ?