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[justin @farringt0n]

if i ever opened up to you i was joking

[Just Bill @WilliamAder]

It could be worse. This could have been some kind of new virus that makes you go out and meet new people.

[jo @whatsJo]

I started every essay in fourth grade with “it was a dark and stormy night” no matter what subject

[The Willo @TheWillOShow]

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

[shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird]

how it's made: next the heating coil is coated in zinc, to prevent corrosion

me: [mouthful of chips] obviously

[jo @whatsJo]

[commercial for camping] do you fuckin hate your house

[ThisOneSays @ThisOneSayz]

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

[Ben Rosen @ben_rosen]

UNCLE: I say this every year but-

ME: not this again

MOM: we’re NOT talking politics this thanksgiving

UNCLE: without luigi there is no waluigi, therefore he is responsible for waluigi’s many sins

ME: ARE YOU SAYING WALUIGI HAS NO FREE WILL

UNCLE: I SAID WHAT I FUCKING SAID

[chuuch @ch000ch]

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

[coworkers starting to think i made up having a British gf] we've just never seen her
me: well she's calling me right now [pretends to answer my phone] ello govna

[sand ghost @moutheaters]

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

[Duncan Trussell @duncantrussell]

If you see me on the blue slopes and wonder how I’m pulling off tight turns and moderate jumps the answer is simple: I sold my soul to the devil.

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

CAR SALESMAN: this model comes with a rear wiper.

ME: um..I can wipe my own ass thank you.

[Line Art Lionheart @notalogin]

No man has all four:

* Large automobile
* Beautiful house
* Beautiful wife
* Knowing, how did I get here?

[Shade 5 🎬 @Shader70]

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I’m only falling apart
I hate your fucking guts
You beat me at Mario Kart

[Rich McCarthy @Rich_McCarthy]

Mortal as he may be, R. L. Stine will live forever by having the free letters on the bonus round of Wheel of Fortune resemble his name.

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

Just call me dingus, major dingus is my father.