Sara Wolfson

I have cats, I am single and I knit. I feel my voice is underrepresented on the internet.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

I LITERALLY JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE LITTLE PIGGIES GOING TO MARKET MEANT THEY WERE GETTING SLAUGHTERED, NOT ACTUALLY SHOPPING WTF.

Did everyone know this? Am I the only one? If so, I blame every last fucking one of you for this betrayal.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

I spend the first 50% of any meal figuring out the perfect sauce to protein to carb to veg ratio so as to ensure that my last bite is the SCIENTIFICALLY BEST BITE so don’t tell me I’m not a woman in STEM.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

I’ve wasted my entire life calling it a litter box instead of a Kitter Shitter.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

Hello, mother. Have you considered Bastet as your goddess and savior? May we butt heads?

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

Every time I order takeout I wrestle internally with whether or not the container is “good enough to keep”.

This is just who I am now. This is…my life

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

PornHub choking off (for lack of a better word) users in Russia by showing them no sexy fun, only an image of the Ukrainian flag and a message of support for the Ukraine is giving me strong Lysistrata vibes and I am HERE FOR IT.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

I just saw a commercial where the VO goes “You have no idea how much pressure you put on your septic system, but Rid-X does” and that feels simultaneously super judgey, vaguely threatening, and also makes me worry that they have poop cams.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

Now is the time of year when I start seeing articles circulating telling you to check your kids candy because folks will try to sneak in weed gummies and I think this is TERRIBLE and I would very much like to know WHICH HOUSES so I can go discuss the matter PERSONALLY.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

BRILLIANT BUSINESS IDEA! It’s like “Shazam”, but I take a picture of the lipstick an actor is wearing on TV and it can tell me the make and model and sends me a link to buy it.

SOMEONE MAKE THIS HAPPEN FOR ME PLEASE.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

We’ve reached the point of the summer where I admit to myself that I’m just not going to look like a snack this year and it’s time to give up and move my body into winter sweater shape until January 1st when, in a fit of New Year’s positivity, I restart the cycle again.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

Where did my trust issues begin? Probably when I found out at constitutes “one serving”.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

I came over to a friend’s garden to help plant a baby tree and now have a newfound respect for the hard work serial killers put in to bury a body in the woods. Hate the crime but respect the work ethic.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

There was a fly in my apartment. One of my cats was a very active participant in it’s capture. One napped.

I WILL REMEMBER YOUR FAILURE TO ACT WHEN IT COMES TIME TO DOLE OUT THE TREATS, YOU COWARD.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

Hallmark decided to start Christmas in July today ignoring the laws of physics and I now understand what they mean when they say you can manifest your dreams.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

The first fucking time in probably the history of, I dunno, fat thumbs(?), I actually *DID* mean “ducking” not “fucking” and AUTOCORRECT JUST FUCKING LET ME SEND IT LIKE A LITTLE FUCKING BITCH.

I feel betrayed.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

In, like, 10 years, there’s probably going to be film studies classes titled “The COVID-19 Pandemic And It’s Effect On Cinema” and it’s just gonna be one more thing to make me feel old AF.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

@jjdonkey I didn't recall this. But thank you, in advance, for giving me something else to haunt my sleepless nights!

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

The older I get, my ability to remember names/faces/useful information decreases, but my ability to recall very specific times that I said/did something stupid, embarrassing, or inadvertently hurtful, dating back decades (and possibly into past lives) has increased exponentially.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

When you adopt your cat from IKEA....

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

I view the amount of garlic listed in a recipe as the start of a negotiation. And it’s an insulting, low-ball offer.

[Sara Wolfson @direwolfson]

The pandemic has made a real shift in my anxiety. Instead of staying up stressing about small details in all the interactions I’ve had over the course of the day, I stay up stressing about ever single detail in the one interaction I’ve had over the course of the day.

#Variety