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daydreaming | disordered | vent acc

[❁ @dis0rient]

a Not Fun time: looking back on your teen years n realizing you wasted them in a haze of restricting, binging, purging, extreme self-hatred, pushing away your friends, doing irreparable damage to your body, not thinking abt the future bc you thought you wouldn't live to see it:-/

[❁ @dis0rient]

hi guys ❤
haven't posted in this account in quite a while bc life got busy, then i got fat, then i lost motivation for everything and lowkey hibernated from life for like a year. but i think i'm gonna start posting here again... my self-hatred needs an outlet lmao

[❁ @dis0rient]

my utter lack of motivation for p much everything is fucking ridiculous.. like no matter how important something is or how unpleasant the consequences of not doing it will be, i just can't make myself do it. i just get more and more stressed about it but feel totally paralyzed:-/

[jess @pilateslbs]

lol i truly would rather remain sick my whole life and being skinny than getting better and gaining tons of weight

[❁ @dis0rient]

i'm in my 20s n being thin is still like the only thing i truly care about. feels fucking pathetic to admit that.. but it's true. i don't have any other goals, no sense of self beyond mental illness. other ppl my age are building lives for themselves, i feel like i'm fading away

[❁ @dis0rient]

@thinnerxme thank u so much!! 💕

[❁ @dis0rient]

2 months clean from h*roin today

[❁ @dis0rient]

i'm stupidly nostalgic for the days when i was just deep in my ED and nothing else mattered... lol at least i was actually sorta good at losing weight unlike now. pathetic as it is, i miss being 17, eating <500 cals, replacing food w chemicals, exhilaration and feeling In Control

[❁ @dis0rient]

6 months. lol i can't believe it

[❁ @dis0rient]

4 mos

[❁ @dis0rient]

i'm so stagnant in life. i've achieved nothing. i have no motivation, no goals, no core sense of self. it feels so pathetic to still be stuck in my ED while not even being thin. my "life" is a joke. my body is hideous. i just wanna starve, do a bunch of drugs & forget i exist lol

[❁ @dis0rient]

knowing i'll probably hate the way my body looks forever is depressing

[❁ @dis0rient]

uh yeah p sure i don't even have an eating disorder anymore.... but like, not in a "recovered and happy" way

in a "still feel fat and uncomfortable AF in my body + count calories obessesively, but am significantly fatter than and worse at losing weight than i used to be" way 🙃

[❁ @dis0rient]

@bambiskeleton i'n so sorry for taking so long to reply but tysm! 💖💖

[❁ @dis0rient]

happy new year ❤
please can this year be better than the last lol

[❁ @dis0rient]

i hate that my ED/trying to lose weight is like my only purpose in life yet i'm still fucking fat and nowhere near my goal .... i can't recover and i can't become skinny. i'm stuck in the limbo of looking physically healthy while my mindset is so disordered and stressful. fml :-)

[❁ @dis0rient]

@bambiskeleton me too </3 hoping it will be one day... for the both of us

[❁ @dis0rient]

those few seconds after waking up where you haven't yet realized that you hate yourself + are mentally ill feel like a little piece of heaven <\3

[❁ @dis0rient]

i'm (obviously) thrilled that my new meds can cause weightloss and appetite loss but tbh even if they didn't i would still be sooo glad about *finally* getting help for adhd just because it sucks so much.. it's like doing life on "hard" mode, feeling overwhelmed and chaotic 24/7