Mirayah Siingh ਜ਼ੋਯਾ

Taleweaver, Dark dweller, Dragon Slayer at large. If you kill all my demons, my angels might die too or some such. [Retweet Junkie]

{Veni Vidi Vici}

[The Deducers 🌎 @TheDeducers]

You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat a waiter and how they fend off your hired assassin

[Mirayah Siingh ਜ਼ੋਯਾ @DivaDevious]

@Gotham3 what a cutie

[Pervin Sanghvi 🌏 @pervinsanghvi]

"I learned God's true language is only silence and breath.”
― Kazim Ali
http://t.co/zxxkTkPA61

#EidMubarak

[tim donakowski @timdonakowski]

Every bony-faced villain had chubby cheeks as a baby. Carry on.

[Will Rodgers @xWILLRODGERSx]

1999... Backstreet Boys put out hit song, "Show me the meaning of being lonely"

2006... Twitter is invented

COINCIDENCE??? I think NOT!

[Will Rodgers @xWILLRODGERSx]

"I believe the children are our future..."

...and that's what worries me.

[Will Rodgers @xWILLRODGERSx]

Somewhere in the darkest corner of his master bedroom...

Kanye West is pouting because he didn't get anything for Mother's Day...

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Me: My kid has very mild symptoms. Maybe I should Google them.

Google: YOUR CHILD WILL DIE.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

4 y.o: Why is Darth Vader mean?

Me: For complex reasons it took 3 prequels to explain

4: I think it’s because his underwear are too tight

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

My dog thinks he saves my house every day when he barks until the mailman walks away.

He’s basically a superhero.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Me: Wear a hat or you’ll freeze to death

4-year-old daughter: It’ll mess up my hair

She chose fashion over survival. She’s already a woman

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

The worst people in the world:

3) kidnappers

2) murderers

1) people who include me in group texts

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Me: I hurt myself on the job.

Boss: You were making a rubber band gun and shot yourself in the eye.

Me:

Boss:

Me: I want worker's comp.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

4-year-old: Want to play a game I made up?

Me: OK.

4: The first rule is you lose.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

When it was time to shake hands in church, my 4-year-old said, “May the Force be with you.”

She’s definitely going to heaven.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Me: What are you doing?

2-year-old: You can't see me. I'm sneaking.

I'm raising a motherfucking ninja.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Times my wife thinks it’s OK to kill:

1) war

2) self-defense

3) when someone forgets to use a coaster

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

2-year-old: My clothes are too small.

Me: What does that tell you?

2-year-old:

Me:

2-year-old: My clothes need to grow.