Derrick Knopsnyder

Nap Connoisseur Sometimes people pay me to tell jokes

[Derrick Knopsnyder @dkcomedy8]

Now we have 7 months without football. I think it’s only fair to live stream every show of The Eras Tour on ESPN.

Also, let us bet on surprise songs and watch people get mad when the camera pans to Travis in the VIP Box.

This is the way.

[Derrick Knopsnyder @dkcomedy8]

Taylor Swift: You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.

Also Taylor: Hey Swifties🦋 here’s 33 million puzzles!

[Derrick Knopsnyder @dkcomedy8]

@colin_dunlap Moments like these make it almost worth it to watch baseball.

[Derrick Knopsnyder @dkcomedy8]

My friend: You wanna be better in bed? All you have to do is talk to her.

Me: What should I say?

Him: You can literally say anything.

———————————————

Me *In bed*: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

[Derrick Knopsnyder @dkcomedy8]

I asked a girl why women go to the bathroom in packs and she said “support.”

And I know what she meant, but in my head I just pictured a group of women standing outside of a stall like “COME ON BECKY! PUSH!”

[Derrick Knopsnyder @dkcomedy8]

Someone explain to me how tacos cost $3.50 at a restaurant but if I buy the ingredients to make them at home it’s like $47.98

[Derrick Knopsnyder @dkcomedy8]

Women: Target is a chic, trendy, upscale department store.

Me: It’s a Walmart with slightly less of a drug problem.

[Derrick Knopsnyder @dkcomedy8]

Don’t tell me to be the change I want to see in the world, then get mad at me for showing up to work drunk. That’s not fair.