octopus in a straitjacket

id tell you my tweets are united by a common theme but I’m not allowed to lie

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

I’m cranky and hungry and angry and periody, someone send peanut butter pretzels 🥨

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

@FriendLee93 No, no yr thinking of the one that goes “Put my knife in two pizzas, this is my plastic fork”

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

@FriendLee93 I am always down for platonic cuddling and hand holding you dirty slut

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

Hey buddy, what you munchin’ on? (Caffeine, buddy)

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

tfw yr card gets declined for a $1.75 purchase 🙃

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

My bicycle is in love in a wheelchair. How do I tell her?

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

You know those sorts of peeps who say hella reprehensible shit and end it with “yeah I’m just playing devil’s advocate”?

Fuck those cowards

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

Maybe if I contort my body like this, no one will be able to tell that I’m eating two plain hamburger buns

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

I’ve likely lost my mind. *puts on party hat*

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

Get tattoos, fuck yrself. Don’t kill yrself, but get close

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

I stopped masturbated before completion to read Deleuze and i think that’s just where I’m at in my life

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

@VerminSupreme Omfg when will you be emperor

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

Art that has meaning is a waste of my damn time

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

Tfw Sleep’s new album came out today but Avicii also died so the peeps at work insist on playing him rather than Sleep

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

There’s a cute artist at this coffee shop and I just want her to beat me up

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

I JUST WANT A DOM(ME) S/O IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

I hate it when:
A) People are nice to me
B) People are explicit about their sex lives

I need help

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

To anyone talking: shut up

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

DIN THE GINK

[octopus in a straitjacket @dminuschats]

@westinghaus_ Brb sharing this with all my loved ones