joseph

Some kids play football, but I can float like a son of a gun. He/him

[joseph @dodofinch]

For Christmas I want everyone I know to get me a cardboard cutout of me

[joseph @dodofinch]

Never piss off TexAgs

[joseph @dodofinch]

I think people with those incredibly bright headlights should fly into the sun. Because they like light so much.

[joseph @dodofinch]

Wearing glasses is great for when you need to do prop comedy

[joseph @dodofinch]

Everyone saying the keyboard thing ruined this app. Yeah sure THAT’S the straw that broke the camels’s back ok

[joseph @dodofinch]

JESUS BRO where have you been for the last three days man did you get stuck in traffic??? Hahah just kidding bro your mom texted. Sorry you died. We saved you this PBR

[joseph @dodofinch]

Twitter is pretty annoying most days but I will say it’s always satisfying to see community notes absolutely drag someone for filth and then go “was this helpful?” Yes community notes it was very helpful for my own personal day getting much better

[joseph @dodofinch]

Ok but like why would you bring $300 worth of groceries to self checkout?

[Steve @oldguy_steve]

So l am at Walmart scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee that wants $15 an hour "monitors" and then this happened.

Her - why are you double bagging all of your groceries?

Me - excuse me?

Her - you are wasting our bags!

Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself.

Her - that's not my job!

Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's all right with you.

Her - why are you using two bags?!

Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out.

Her - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag.

*10 seconds of me just staring at her.

Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag.

Her - exactly.

Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.

Her - no because you wouldn't be double bagging.
*me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching.

Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm still using two bags for these two items.

Her- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same number of bags.

[joseph @dodofinch]

Y’all Elmo was just being nice you don’t need to actually answer him

[MrBeast @MrBeast]

I’m gonna give 10 random people that repost this and follow me $25,000 for fun (the $250,000 my X video made)

I’ll pick the winners in 72 hours

[joseph @dodofinch]

I thought this was the announcement for another Sonic movie for a second

[joseph @dodofinch]

Some of you animals are using these for your car headlights

[BattleFront @battlefront_org]

100.000 lumens flashlight

[joseph @dodofinch]

Year number 23 of not receiving a cardboard cutout of myself for Christmas

[joseph @dodofinch]

CHAD CHRIST LIVES

[joseph @dodofinch]

Bro we threw this insane rager and Jesus never showed, it’s like dude doesn’t even want to celebrate his own — what? In a MANGER?

[one dozen rats at a keyboard @PanasonicDX4500]

scooby-doo antagonists when their cellmate asks how they ended up in jail

[joseph @dodofinch]

I thought this was a scene from shark tales for an embarrassing few seconds

[doctor idk @bigmonkeong]

ai art is never gonna be as raw as this

[joseph @dodofinch]

When do I get to vote on a bill to outlaw those stupid bright ass white LED headlights? My retinas deserve a break

[joseph @dodofinch]

Supervillain origins are too elaborate nowadays. If it were me, all it would take is a bad nights sleep and missing lunch for me to vow destruction on everyone

[joseph @dodofinch]

USC thinking they’re so cool when they played like the hottest garbage in the world against Arizona is extremely funny.

[joseph @dodofinch]

@juicyspiderp ESPN announcer don’t worry about it

[joseph @dodofinch]

Why is Brock Osweiler screaming at me