.

sharing the thoughts I can't share. transfem, queer, 30. CW: trauma, self harm, other bad stuff in my head

[. @dogafterdark]

it's not that it gets worse every day
it's that it's still there
every day

[. @dogafterdark]

screaming
reading
crying
fuck
I don't want to go home
I don't want to be here
I don't want to be

tired
tired of being
in the way
just want to finally
go

[. @dogafterdark]

the pit grows
clawing gnawing biting gnashing
hungry
angry
It demands satisfaction
Retributive retaliation
to rip into someone else's gut and give them a pit

answers
would satisfy
and we have none

[. @dogafterdark]

scared of loss
again
isn't that, a good thing?

[. @dogafterdark]

I wish
I wish she'd come back to me

[. @dogafterdark]

I should have tried harder? Spent more time with her?

[. @dogafterdark]

maybe I didn't try hard enough

[. @dogafterdark]

maybe she was right, that's the worst thought of all

[. @dogafterdark]

come look at my cool things, I say
enamoring my friends

we are all amused and entertained
me, most darkly
as I hand over

the tools

[. @dogafterdark]

frustration
confusion
self loathing
desperation
and again, this time with new flavors
drawing ever new inspiration
with the same sickly sweet taste

as much as I wish I could stop, another spoonful touches my tongue

[. @dogafterdark]

the only emotion that I feel as strongly as
my desire not to be alone
is my desire to keep others far away
and the only thing that's stronger
it's my desire to stop feeling everything

[. @dogafterdark]

I just
want someone to touch me
to do the things that he did
to overwrite all of those old, gross feelings
with new, beautiful ones