This is incredibly hard to write, but last week, Illy passed away. She brought so much warmth and kindness into my life, even when she was ill.
Thank you for showing her love over the years, you gave her so much purpose and joy. Things won't feel the same without her.
[Title: endless kiss]
When I close my eyes, I dream of twins
I dream of fire, next to you laid spent
No fear in your eyes, you kiss me slow
Snow lodge we stay, and the s'mores we smoke
Take pictures, and wish
For a never ending
For a life vacay
For this endless kiss
For this grateful day, your tears run fold
Your thoughts on hold
Our peace is home, in this eternal nightlight
Your tears drip down to the perfect mess
All smile, no frown, cause you're with bestfriend
And alast his eyes, have a chance to see
All the good you bring, you have pierced his dreams
Love infected his mind
You have brought him peace
And the life you lived, has become his home
And his dreadful's plagued everything you've known
As his fear's surprised your mortality's sin
He will wish you stayed, and embraced his kin
In a one shaped stance, you have birthed his home
Hope you finally know
Need you to finally know
Need you to let past go
For us to grow old
Will you finally see
That his pride's an axe, and the love ain't cheap
He will die on this hill, if you destroy his home
Love's not a perfectionist, it's rough
Love's not a perfectionist, it's rough
When the snow dries up and the elk stamp home, will you marry your pride in the hate you hold?
[Title: endful blink]
There's plenty of women around me, but my heart doesn't work the same as it used to
The pain I feel when I think affects heart in ways I've been used to
The pressure it strains and it stings, tears apart my essence and chains it, not useful
The way I hide when I bleed, it's not far, she's clueless from what I'm bruised to
Suffer in the silence, I blink
I'm smilin' but I'm silent, I blink
I love her but she's silent, I blink
If it drives me too far, I'll meet God! (yeah)
This is pain and it's torturous to numb!
And I just feel defected and sectioned to none!
Curse my name!
The black wedding, it sucks
And I feel so ashamed, for sticking in rut!
Won't shed a tear for me, still hoping she's my angel queen
All my anxiety's like glass, it shatters around me
The least I fear is death, but the after scares me more
Don't know I'm fighting me, cry when she asks how are we?
She thinks I'm happily, I suffer from the thought of she
Don't know what's wrong with me, think I'm but a black sheep
Love really is pain, it haunts me
24/24
[Title: Miss Cosmos]
A voice I've heard in the void that I cant shake
Cause everything eventually must die
You'll understand better when it's not your life
I couldn't even look you in the eyes
Was never gonna be easy, just hold your head high
As I drive and explain all the whys
The memories flood your face till you cry
A pleasantry lunch that I had as your guy
A few minutes later it's the end of our lives
I'll remember that lunch as the best of goodbyes
An honor to be your boyfriend all those nights
Not the way to go as we expected, we're afraid enough
Don't date to settle, find the perfect, cause afraid of love
Looked her dead in the eyes, told her no, now we're breaking up
Tiny obstacle in this massive universe of us
See the bigger picture, particles in vast space of love
All the trillions of life and we ended up together
Shared our stories in the great vastness of cosmo's weather
Moon shines on lakes in remembrance for sun setter
Put on display and enlarge for this letter
Don't let all the rage engulf you, you know better
No crashing to earth, flesh and meteor
You were never mistaken for a needy born
Spent a lot of your time with me and more
And when it's time to face the fact that you've never ever been here before
It's perpetual and not optimal
Indissoluble and perdurable, the endless cycle of love
You can wash your mouth and tongue but all the facts are won to none
It's intangible and impalpable, but we still feel messed up
Camouflage won't hide your scent, it smells you
Fix all self problems first, and leave behind the old you
I went deep in the woods and I found you
And once I fell in love, my future self mourned you
If I can pick a time to go back and re-live with you
I would walk the beach with my ring pop wife, I choose
Now I erase I erase
I can't erase, I cant erase, the feelings I had with you
It's all coming down, coming down
I swear it's raining out
The way my face forms the water, you'd think I was hurt, but it's from someone's daughter
My body wont hurt but the pain burns hotter
Now I go to work like a lamb to the slaughter
Three sixty five days doesnt drain, gets rotter
God lend me a life, you know, that I care, for her...
I'll give you my life, I dont care, hope you care, for her...
Now this one's for you, ex best friend...
I hope you see this too...
I hope you live a life, of care, for this world...
Cuz when I open my eyes, and stare, all I see, is you....
This album's my care and love, that I gave to you....my dear 💜
23/24
[Title: Purple girl]
My mind has reached its limit, I dont know what to say
Indulge in all my pleasures that I fixed for you that day
Then I throw a pity party for the feelings that got away
Asked me if exclusive and it seen another way
Cause the love was feeling sorry for a loveable pinay
And the eyes were turning blindly for a future full of change
I told myself to just wake up
I know what you feel and it's hate love
Dreams free tuition of our love, and this box in your closet that you kept of my stuff
And it's feeling nostalgic mutuality love
Overdose yourself on antalgic drugs
And you miss yourself but you're proud of you
And you miss what was but you'll love your new
Empty bed feels dismal in the cardboard house
And the stitch surrounds you to keep you found
When your eyes are black and tears are loud
In the 3am I can feel your frown
The connections messy, was surprised it kept me
Sufficed funereal grim can speak with no sounding
Pain itching, tongue clenched and bottled of feeling
Air sombre and starless sky's unappealing
Not sure if it's me or what's left of what's you
But if this is how it ends, then I'm glad you were apart of it
This 2024 was just the brink of what had started it
Every bit of what I wrote was in my head before I started it
If you read until the end then I appreciate your tolerance
Can dreamhop till the end together, wave a hello and conversate
Do all of the things we never got to, cause it's too late
An atomic level love, that's a version of steins gate
And our Heaven's up above, see you sooner than a late
Please dont be scared, there's nothing for you to think about
Cause when I fall asleep, you're the one I dream about
It's over now
So let's power down
It's over, you can go home
22/24
[Title: plushies and sickness]
Dolly face and eyes made of snow, snatched a frostborn
24 years long ago, birth a whitehorn
Perfect from the mouth to the toe, like the unicorn
Angel from the eyes that we know, and I could of sworn
Seen her in the skies, their pillows, gave heart a torn
Affections that are due, I still owe, but her heart mourns
The sickness that was given from the low, it spreads to bone
You let me suck the poison from your soul
You let me love how wanted now we're faces among old
And the situation's haunted, we'll get frostbite from the cold
And my family thinks routine, but it is better off they dont know
Knew this monster since fifthteen, and now I'm defected and sold
This monster in the closet says it misses you
This burden's a hot topic, it's an issue
It's taken years and years to stop it, still continues
You can take away the pain, but I still love it
Treat and mention all the shame, but it's my suffrage
No cure's the same, but your cure helped me, and I still love you
And into your arms, I tried to suicide it from your love
But I made the dear mistake by dragging us too far out
Now face the consequences, mind wont shut the fuck up
I watch you so closely, till my eyes take the blame
I sigh and I suffer, and I hate to say your name
The sludge from excess love is inflicted in my veins
As my body turns to failure, and dark depression doesn't drain
I modified my reality, but my morality stays the same
Taught myself the lessons you must learn to behave
Still learning all the patience one must have to escape
Escape from once what was and how if time is the lane
Cause sickness is a complex interaction, not an under
Don't wanna take the wrong side of the faction, or I'll plunder
Illusions of deep evil, but everything can be okay
Fuck and mute the noise of bashing cause it's weak
I'm king of empathy, and that I'm glad I can keep
Just let your body grow heavy and lay down inside your bed
And I promise I want better for you, get expectations met
Would've loved and could've killed for you, your guardian in red
Still swear you'll never meet someone who loved you better than I did
But I hope you'll be happy, and I hope you'll be okay
If you remember when I told you why I'd leave you then okay
Can be the angel in your dreams, and watch you sleep inside your bed
Can feel the angel in your breathe, I'll be the plushie on your bed
I know I wasnt always ideal, but I'm as real as it can get
You showed me all your hurt, and I took care of you at best
Is this what they call love
Cause I feel it in my chest
I feel it in my bones
I feel it in my head
I see it in these words
I hear it from this hurt
I smell it on my breath
It's dripping from these tears
It's dripping from this sweat
And it's crashing on the ground, from what I have left
From who I had left
And what I have left, is this mess that I have made
And who I had left is the best that I have made
I'll always be your crush
And I'll always speak the truth
I know you care for me, as I do to you
My language is the love, and my cries are filled with war
And if they ever speak her name, know that I have died there before
And if I can appeal for
If I can request
The recesses of your mind, is where I'll lay to rest
21/24
[Title: coma/feels like we're losing time]
Squeezing and holding tight, I hold onto my time
If I end up in hospital bed, I'll see that as a sign
Wasting this energy for dead end life, I can never say I'm fine
But darling I'm fine, if you're ever in my vision, you're tellin' me, "it'll be alright"
I've had plenty visions, I've thought plenty nights
Thought OD prescriptions, thought I'd see the light
Reverse to what I'm missin', joy up in my sight
Love is what I'm fishin', whole cake, not a slice
I recognize a hurt, mastered useful skill
Figured it'd be worth, paying these love bills
As I walk down the hallway of what I've been stalling
The darkness caresses me, the white is in poverty
Put me to sleep, fall in love for the wrong
Actions fall deep, can you sing me a song
Lullaby dreams but the nightmares are garbage
Even in the dark, I sworn you are gorgeous
And I fall asleep to this song that was ours
As I think about you all the way from the start
Affection and trust, it's the purpose my heart
Leave a tangle, and mangle the purple in scars
Now hold my hand while I fall deep
This sleepful time has come and creeped
Know you're not here, but you're still here
You're in my heart, my eyes, and ears
And when I fall asleep tonight, your actions will describe what's right
You'll hate me when I die, but you'll love me like forever's life
20/24
[Title: K.L.L.]
I know your skin marks they hurt and they're tough
You let the eyes droop the black cause they're rough
Can't run and hide, cause you'll damage your stuff
You've sacrificed all you've had, it's all enough
And you swear
Sworn on your conscious
And you swear
For the better days
For the better year
No more drastic ways
No more lasting tears
It'll be okay
So light it up
Light it up like you used to
This medicine, this medicine is for us too
You live new home, but can you live without us, boo
A severed home, a severed home without anyone
I'm missing home, what I call home isn't anyone
A memory, you'll always be my favorite memory
A revery, have reveries about us two
Cause I have lost a broken one, and she has lost a broken boy
She's a shy, she tells me to just bare with her cause she is just a broken girl
I give the love to her, I share it with her broken world
The one I fell for was so saturated beyond return
Gave all the care, my cure I called upon all my reserves
But in the midst of well, dark confiscated my preserves
Now we dont sleep at night, dark child erupts, nightmares emerge
All this integrity is burned without the you and I
All the years can pass and bye me, and I'll refuse to believe
That this terrible feeling burdens you as bad as it does to me
19/24
[Title: devastation]
Everywhere you go, aging your feelings till they grow old
Chilling dont you know, runs down the spine like blanket of cold
Thinking leads to null, take back why you have felt so much dull
And you shattered your crown, now you're up from your downs
You're amused from your sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice
Feel abused, now it's your demise, your demise, your demise
No excuse why they always fight, always fight, always fight
Now you're tired of lies, and lies, and lies
Own your own kingdom now
Hard work payed off, new Queen around
This castle's blessed, your life is sound
Captured yourself, yes you have found
No need save princess from her own tower
She's independent, has own royal guard
Now her section is free, no more loving from me
Cuz I'm never on my own
Im used to having someone for me
Trips and travelling, we're exploring
Minds are babbling, love importing
Read her text, blowing up my phone
All this drama's getting kinda boring
Tears fall, crash, her eyes are pouring
I still love you, not important
I know you wont let go, it's not the same to me
I know you're down and low, can't put the brain at ease
I know your heart is froze, can't let the pain release
You used to call me home, then I went and changed beliefs
I went and changed...
18/24
[Title: SUICIDE!]
*Chorus*
She said goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
While she goes down
Why she sink drown
Why does she cry, she cry, she cry
On merry go round
Her life turns up down
She tears down herself, herself, herself
She's all by herself
The city's no help
What are we fighting for...
*Verse 1*
Upset, it's all over the news
Nonfiction pains while you're lost in clues
So will you tie the knot or will you tie the noose
Burnt a heart to black and gave hell's amuse
Psychology illness spreads to fever
You can't take it back, doing death a favor
You'll make it easy, for the grim reaper
To take own life, makes nothing cheaper
*Verse 2*
Gained a lot but losses and lies!
How did you do all those things to survive!
Cries through the night as you attempt at your life!
Morphine and pills sound the best in your eyes!
Know your bestfriend will join you if you suicide...
Nothing feels better than her potions
Nothing feels better for a sick girl
Lost in her wrld cause he entered and left her
*Chorus*
She said goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
While she goes down
Why she sink drown
Why does she cry, she cry, she cry
On merry go round
Her life turns up down
She tears down herself, herself, herself
She's all by herself
The city's no help
What are we fighting for...
17/24
[Title: passionate pair of parents]
German conceived in the flush of addicts
From lies and deceives, love born fanatics
Red, white, blue, the dream, change demographics
To birth daughter, a free, make it automatic
At this time they will see, life's cinematic
How erratic it can be and how daring dramatic
And from one it was birth all alone, now it's two hearts
Two kids by the throne, perfect restart
Except back to lies and deceives
Now 'bout everyone throws around that, he's the love thief
And the damage family burdens, the hits and the screams
All the cries through the night are thrown out to extreme
The red and the blue visit house of the scene
The two hide in the closet from what they have seen
So they text and they call, who to share with the words
And they cry and they ball, and they show the record
It's a gun to the head, it's the tears of the hurt
From the one's who were wed, led the years of the worst
To be wishing of dead, hold the pills in the purse
To the gripping of neck, choke and kill, what comes next...
We're not the same
Know the damage in your life runs deep, but baby
We're not the same
Can still happen if you're not careful, choose wisely, but
We're not the same
Your daddy never loved you enough to be a Father
Dont worry
We're not the same
Can still break free of these chains, they wont last, they're rusty
Crippled by the past, not paralyzed, you're okay
All the pain wont last, but be remembered in the old days
I see you living better, new job and new place
Hope can be happy for each other and forgive all the mistakes
Never have a down moment we pray, we can love faith
It's not a sunday, but it's okay to hope for a future to have maybe some day
For the better days, we can hope
And devote
We can offer some in exchange for greater
Take it slow
Life is slow
And to fall in love again is sluggish
Hope to see you again with a full tray
Lord have mercy on a pinay
Blessed you can just be, there's no rusting
House of full to stay, it's all lovely
Kids to brink of tray, you'll make something
A beauty mother you may, you'll be trusting
Sons and daughters will play, you'll be loving
Know it's strung from the title and all, to be apparent
The passion of love won't fall, to be a parent
16/24
[Title: my 002]
Took a short moment to be your man
Took a long time to learn about chance
Reflecting in the mind, to find out where I stand
Oppressive but she's fine, till she took a glance
And as she rolls her eyes back, she learns about greed
A fickle in the mind, it's too bad it ain't free
The description of sin born, is the red when conceived
Depictions leave her torn, as she sighs about me
And I can love a long time, but I can't see the truth
And I can live a long life, but I'm blinded by muse
There's haze in my reticle, I'm so tired of you
It's been too long, and I still think about it
Rehearse the wrongs, and how they are sounding
The capture in the kiss, when the hearts were pounding
See a darling in the eyeball, the brain goes numbing
My zero two, my eyes fall, they crash, need a plumbing
In this moment, you are beautiful, so tired of regret
And that's so irrefutable, loved since day that we met
The smile on your face, made it's way to a ten
Her stature and her waist, had its ways with my hands
We sit couch, watch movies, while ordering Japan
These favorable times, I wish that I could live again
But as of now, that last line comes to an end
Now out of our world, we are terrified to make amends
But some how we must make it out alive and fine
Some how we'll survive in our lives tonight
And when happy again, we'll feast in our delights
Cause this burden is a bummer, but the pain is our friend
15/24
[Title: broken house]
That broken house was not much of a home, than what we've imagined with us two
In my defense, it kinda makes sense that we're better than them, they aren't special
End our degree, what we once had, without me, you'll be outstanding
Be purple, play offense at hand, don't let me be your ending
Free soul to be, I hope I can restart again in her memory
Take ahold of me, pry open mind, pour bleach inside of my memory
Lie awake at night, and waste wasteful nights, to be a hero of all, I envy
These sleepless nights, and these weary lines, they choke me, what I'm fearing
Death on the mind, on all our minds, when we pass away, they're cheering
Bodies, hit the floor, take a headshot
Target, Rudolph nose, like a red dot
Poems, can never capture what I think about
Too complex to even talk about the brain rot
It's hazy at the top, but it's amazing, ah
Don't listen him, has my conscious in a caging, rah
I feel soaked in my blood, I'm an animal
Injured my head and suddenly they hear me now
Ask me if I'm dead, I'm just tired of being physical
Lay my soul to rest, let me escape to the spiritual
Twenty pounds my eyes, dont ask me how alive, a miracle
Pulsing red my eyes, the fire in 'em is hysterical
Historically accurate about what's in my past
If you think that you're in love with me, I'll tell you it won't last
Empty void is godless, everywhere and all at once
I've been lost but I've been found, and it's the loudness from her sounds
Cherry voice, the cutest noise, delight to me, Best Friend the noun
Take her out the broken house, I must have failed, but she's the home
14/24
[Title: 14 children]
Made a bunch of promises that I could not keep
And now I'm stuck inside your head, don't let the pain blur and bleep
Fever fogging up with dread from head to toe, I ain't sleep
I would rather be a dead, cause all my kids dont exist no more
Episodes run common cold, I'm sick, love
You're not around and the factory resets my code, love
Passengers in the challenger, burnt to crisp, love
But if I am still alive in a few more years, I'm gonna challenge for love
So expect the unexpected, I might never leave my home
13/24
[Title: last kiss we shared]
Like a drug on oxy rush
Make the hearts inside us hum
Can understand once was
Can't understand now because
Used to spend my years for love
Choose to blend my tears too much
Expensive love is tough
Now you can kiss the memories goodbye
The life you've lived, has become his home
The love you gave, he has made his own
Left in past seasons of your life episodes
Dont remember the last one as cold
Remember it as what it's suppose to be
A memory of loved care, to show and tell of everything
The few of years we gave each other, exactly how it's suppose to be
Gentle and it's delicate, relationships can break to free
And damages are sane now, call back, you cant get over me
Selfish pain with a fray mouth, our discoveries run openly
We left both our hearts out, now damaged from a stormy cloud
Now free both our hearts now, these savage monsters are too loud
Was not a kiss, but a soul bound broken from a saddened mouth
Release the lips and our leverage fell from frown to foul
No 14 kids, how the pain has hidden in our howls
Focusing on a fading flame that flowed for miles
Send some love, shared for life, but we're still just kids
Flown her home, then at night, crying in bed
Decorate deaths doorbell cause my memories keep devil fed
What's a remedy to my heart if I bleed out for death's appointment
Tell me u luv me, you're my favorite ointment
Give me higher dosages, life can be annoyin'
This message in the bottle is for you, and it's hard to find
Deep in the dark big blue, gonna be a grind
Symbols in these text, all for you, read my head aloud
I feel the weight in my eyes
I can't be with you tonight
The pain will put me to sleep
The curses fog up the mind
To miss your skin touching mine
The way your chest laid on me
Once craved the warmth of your eyes
Like fire in woods, cabin tree
I feel your lips match to mine
The last kiss we shared, defeat
The pain resides in our highs
The smiles fade from our teeth
In time I've grown less to eat
My 17 was in your eyes
And your 17 was inside me