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[✨ @dopestars]

This is an account about zodiac nonsense and obsessive compulsive disorder and random other nonsense I hope that’s okay bc that’s all I’ve got

[✨ @dopestars]

I just remembered that one of my professors said once that everybody gets depressed sometimes and that’s not necessarily the problem. The problem arises when you become depressed about the fact that you’re depressed and stop trying to get better

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I just mapped out the progression of the symptoms of my depressive episodes for science purposes

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and why I’m too afraid to have pets or children and why I do everything in my power to be a blank canvas that gives people the energy they give me and SO MANY OTHER THINGS

[✨ @dopestars]

The thing that’s come up for me a lot in group is how much shame I feel about literally everything. I spent my life trying to NEVER upset ANYONE and never step out of line and never be too this or too that and it led to me not having a personality and being afraid of everything

[✨ @dopestars]

I never knew how to express what I felt and then someone used the word shame and finally I had a word (such a simple word and such a common feeling) to explain why I felt like my thoughts were tied in knots and why I don’t like to be intoxicated

[✨ @dopestars]

Me: “I cleaned everything over the last 2 days. I’m obviously not depressed.”

My brain: “bitch how many times have you cried today”

Me:

[✨ @dopestars]

I just outlined the major awful parts of my past in front of several people in my graduate program and I keep bursting into tears I just want to sleep

[✨ @dopestars]

There are lots of things ik I don’t want but you can’t use process of elimination on shit like that. Ik the things that I crave for the sake of peace within myself. Ik that I feel excitement about the career that I’m working for

[✨ @dopestars]

I spend so much more time worrying about who I am and how people feel about me than I do about what I want and that’s kind of sad??? I wanna work on that

[✨ @dopestars]

My reaction to things that trouble me is to want to look it up or organize it or make lists or somehow lay it all out in front of me so that I can look at it from every angle and I can’t do that with my future or my relationships without driving myself insane with possibilities

[✨ @dopestars]

I am emotional today and I DONT LIKE IT I AM READY TO BE ASLEEP

[✨ @dopestars]

When are Scorpios feeling bad it’s like they’re covered in barbed wire but they don’t notice so they’re hoping that someone will hold them tightly

[✨ @dopestars]

@Maddyleblanc3 That sounds so nice!

[✨ @dopestars]

Nobody:

Me: spends HOURS of the last few days doing things like designing my dream house in the notes app, figuring out exactly which tattoos I want with pics for reference, going on the Walmart grocery app and adding ever food I’d ever buy to my favorites list, making playlists

[✨ @dopestars]

@Maddyleblanc3 ME TOO OMFG. My neighbor walked down the stairs last night and I thought somebody was coming to kill me so I looked out the window and he was just taking his dog out

[✨ @dopestars]

I was also doing things like working and sleeping and watching Netflix but every other spare second of the last 3 days or so I spent over-planning and overthinking. So I’m trying to be more mindful before school starts and wrecks my shit

[✨ @dopestars]

I made a meal plan for the next 5 weeks and then decided that was bad and deleted it from my computer. I changed my computer desktop completely and made desktop folders and Microsoft notes pages for each of my classes. I also changed my notebook colors to be in rainbow order