Earl the Pearl

Husband, father, grandfather, contractor & baristo

[Patti Domm @pattidomm]

Stocks making the biggest moves after hours: Pinterest, Etsy, Square and more https://t.co/PpSWaIni2P

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

After 11 years of unconditional love, her little heart finally gave out. No one knows the hole that she gouged into my heart when she left.
Goodbye, Sadie Mae, my fuzzy little daughter... Daddy will always love you.

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

"Her lies our deerlee dparted"... That will be engraved on my tombstone. Only because the ignorant are indeed inheriting the earth... :-P

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

This is why you don't put Cat Tails in water when you bring them in the house.

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

Genealogy = great, great g-pa worked mixing mud with straw and manure to make bricks. So yes, I do come from a long line of "Shit-stirrers".

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

songs in my head reflect a deep and dark psychosis; " Swimming in gravy, carrots and collards, old man lardpork, gnawing on my kneebones..."

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

I always hope for window cell, like the Birdman of Alcatraz. So sparrows could visit me and remind me how cool it is to poop while flying.

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

I will be easy to find in the old folks home... I'll be the one doing the ten thousand piece puzzle with a rubber mallet laying next to him.

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

I like that new song that tells of a guys crush on his Dental hygienist, " I can't feel my face when I'm with you.., but I love you!"

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

As soon as I get auto pilot, Charlie gets to be my driver. He's practicing already.

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

I just have a bad feeling about where VR is headed...

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

Midlife crisis requires sacrifice. Need to remove front seat and grease up so I can slide into new 192 hp Fiesta. There's a price for fun ;)

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

If I were a relocated French Canadian, I would have named my daughter Marcie.... with a middle name Boku.....

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

"Watch out for lightening today!" Uh,Yeah, I'll watch skies carefully. during millisecond before it zaps my noodle, I'll hop to one side....

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

hairdo for my old age - guy walked by with bald head except for the whispy 10" mullet flapping proudly in the breeze. I was awash with envy.

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

@puddinstrip waiting for video loop where frustrated squirrel tackles puppet and dry humps it in front of shocked grandma.

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

I'm going for a long bike ride with a metal seat, and loading up on Beets, Asparagus and Poppy Seed muffins right before my Urology tests.

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

Cute lady dentist, filling day, pokes around for a few, stops and has me sign a Release. What exactly did you find that warrants a Release??

[Earl the Pearl @dorkmier]

Seems practical enough if you don't have a blow dryer...