The Venerable DorkNBeans

I'm supposed to put something short and witty here, but i couldn't find a funny little person to preserve in carbonite.

[The Venerable DorkNBeans @DorkNBeans_]

Boobs: because Mother Nature knows that the only way to slow down a guy in a hurry, is by putting speedbumps in his way.

[mariana Z @mariana057]

Exercise makes you look better naked. But, so does tequila.

Your choice.

[mariana Z @mariana057]

Just fit in to some of my old clothes from 20 years ago.

Feeling pretty proud.

It's a scarf by the way but it’s a start.

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

If a female is called a mermaid why isn't a male called a merbutler

Thank you for reading this

[Massimo @Rainmaker1973]

Dog has eyes for the puck only

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

The first 10lbs you lose after starting a diet is mostly water weight from all the crying.

[AGoodQuestion @Benjones2Jones]

Who else hears the word "rapscallion" and thinks of a green onion freestyling?

[mariana Z @mariana057]

Old Macdonald had a dolphin.

E-e-e-e-e.

[Massimo @Rainmaker1973]

The best keeper you'll see today

[mariana Z @mariana057]

We just found out that Grandpa is addicted to viagra.

Nobody is taking it harder than grandma.

[mariana Z @mariana057]

So I went to the eye doctor today and said: "I think I need glasses".

She said: "I think you're right, this is a pet shop".

[SpecialKimtamine™ 🏴‍☠️🇺🇸🇮🇹🚩 @LorazeKim]

Someone on here called me a raging bitch and all I have to say is thanks. Thank you. I thought I was losing my spark

[ThexyBeatht_ @ThexyBeatht_2]

If you’re not completely obsessed with me yet, good news! There’s still hope for you

[mariana Z @mariana057]

I’ve just been diagnosed with arthritis .

I dont think I have arthritis.

I think I have early onset rigor mortis.

[Sassy Hobbit 🦋 @sassyhobbit]

Phone: your screen time is down 12% from last week.

Me: *smiles and looks back down at my tablet*

[mariana Z @mariana057]

You never realize what you have until it's gone.

Toilet paper, for example.

[mariana Z @mariana057]

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home.

I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face.

My parents are the worst…

[Scott-Towel @scott_towel]

You can't pick peppers that have already been pickled; Peter Piper was a fucking fraud, man.

[Molly B.🍉 @HappyHijabbi]

A guy on tiktok said women are only good for procreation. I disagree...we could find your house in 15 minutes & be good for cremation

[⚓️🐕SaltyDog🐕⚓️ @doggiedogthedog]

The Golden Rule

always tweet others
the way you wish to be tweeted