Doug Funny

Patty my bitch. Don't look at my bitch.

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

Career-aptitude test result: Crazy old dude who fails to warn teens away from cursed summer camps

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

*accidentally discovers the world of dogs in steampunk costumes* oh holy shit no

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

I'd like to return this calendar it goes too fast

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

When you stare into an abyss sometimes the abyss lights up a cigarette blows smoke in your face and says what are you looking at dumbass.

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

It's difficult to make a maple syrup balloon but worth it if you really want to surprise your date

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

if you ever think your ideas aren't good enough just remember one day someone said 'let's put milk in cardboard boxes'

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

[therapy] this is dave his dad took off when he was 4 do you have any questions for him [raises hand] Yes Keith. Was your dad a helicopter?

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

DENTIST: say 'Ahh' KID: *closes mouth* KIDS MOM: Sorry about this DENTIST: it's ok *pulls out a pistol* [Kid screams] DENTIST: thats perfect

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth [jim is typing] [jim is typing] [jim is typing] [jim is typing] ok

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

I should start paying more attention at the bus stop I almost tried to get on a fire truck

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

I want to have the kind of life where I'd use the phrase 'walking around money'

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

[In bed] Wife: do that thing that I like Me: [goes to sleep and doesn't snore] Wife: mmm... yeah

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

Judge: Bail is denied as the defendant is a flight risk Lawyer: OBJECTION Judge: On what grounds? Lawyer: Your honor my client is a penguin

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

I named my dog Google but he's just a dog. He doesn't know anything

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

I want to have the kind of life where I'd use the phrase 'walking around money'

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

Hope fb never disables me bumping 5 year old complaints on corporate pages

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

[Chicken driving to work] [R. Kelly's 'I Believe I Can Fly' comes on the radio] *chicken starts crying* I do...I really do.

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

Don't people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person's deeply held beliefs?

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

Americans if you want to do something good tomorrow why not cook or bake some treats and bring them to a firehouse?

[Doug Funny @dougfunnyaf]

My cyborg butler is malfunctioning and won't shut up I can barely sleep! [from the kitchen] Did you say you want barley soup