Andrew 🐙

Aspiring twitter wine mom

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

[doctor's office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let's have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

@seadavis7 @j1almquist @Cindycjax Why can't I just sign in with Facebook like everything else

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

@FrazzleMyGimp Thanks John!
https://t.co/lrfEbPnNPg
https://t.co/1jjg2mwNmI

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

[Folsom Prison Blues comes on the radio]
FRIEND: this is one of my favorites
ME: yeah, Folsom is one of my favorite prisons too

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

look at the time
___ ____ ____
| ___| . | | | |
| |___ . |___| |___|

i still can't set the clock on my vcr

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

ME: can I get you a drink?
FRIEND: do you have any "adult beverages"?
ME: sure do *I hand him a capri sun with a sell-by date of 1999*

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

@ObscureGent Thanks mi'lord!
https://t.co/a84I9AS0si

https://t.co/dUiYxcHMJz

https://t.co/Vp4FDEO1lR

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we'll think of something, chum

[DVS @DVSblast]

i dont see whats so "royal" about this wedding. oh ok i didnt know that.

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

@Pork_Chop_Hair I just fell down the stairs with my grand piano and accidentally reinvented twelve-tone technique and also I'm paralyzed

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

@CrockettsBeard Thanks Crockett!

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

@saturdaycontest https://t.co/UgVMqfTMBo

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

HIM: so you're a painter of artwork depicting the nude male form?

ME: I prefer the term "junk drawer"

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

HIM: so you're a painter of artwork depicting the nude male form?

ME: I prefer the term "junk drawer"

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

@bodhidave3 I'm sure if I ever spent time in a vape lounge the conversation would fit this category

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

I'm all for multiculturalism as long as it doesn't include "beard culture" or "vape culture"

[HughGoesThere @HughGoesThere]

*watching the uber app as my driver circles around aimlessly*
me (sigh): he's never gonna find me at the bottom of this well

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

I'm all for multiculturalism as long as it doesn't include "beard culture" or "vape culture"

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

@tariqnasheed I think trying to piece together an ideology based on this duster is impossible. If he's a Nazi he's also a communist and Cthulhu cultist.

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

GUY WHO REFUSES TO USE FRENCH PRONUNCIATION: I'll have the buffet, please

WAITER: certainly sir *delivers devastating flurry of blows*

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

Growing up, my mom loved Russian cuisine and my dad loved German. It was the borscht of times, it was the wurst of times.

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

@LlamaInaTux Thanks Llama! Here are some stinkers:
https://t.co/L33CTzyW7w
https://t.co/sQSKa7y4rd
https://t.co/RMjRnhSy0m

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

ME: waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
WAITER: I'd say he's stepping out of his comfort zone. can you say the same?
ME (with grim resolve): one bathtub of your finest soup please

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

@fro_vo Thanks Fro!
https://t.co/1jjg2mwNmI
https://t.co/lrfEbPnNPg

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

CRIMINAL 1: this is a robbery!

CRIMINAL 2: technically it's a burglary

CRIMINAL 3: we used extreme force. it's a home invasion

ME: well I'd say this is a real "CON-undrum"

CRIMINALS: aggravated murder it is

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

@judgejeudi https://t.co/AK38LZVzNK
https://t.co/gdgYoXk2PB
https://t.co/pAA6uOO4HE

[Andrew 🐙 @DrCephalopod]

"Haha, but seriously, it's pronounced 'KOH-bərn'"
- every person with the last name 'Cockburn' throughout history