Patches

[Patches @mostly_cheese]

Instead of “sorry for the delay,” write “thank you for your patience.” In lieu of “apologies for the oversight,” write “if you’re so perfect why don’t you fucken do it.”

[Patches @mostly_cheese]

[restaurant in Mexico]
Wife: What’s good here?
Me: Bueno.

[Patches @mostly_cheese]

STOP using THESE FIVE WORDS in your RESUMÉ: fuck, shit, piss, ass, balls

[Patches @mostly_cheese]

ME: shouldn't i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i'll call you back

[Patches @mostly_cheese]

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

[Joshua Claybourn @JoshuaClaybourn]

I’m always surprised that this Jimmy Carter anecdote gets overlooked.

[Coach Mudrikadem @CoachMudril2z]

Ahhhh f*** it, we ball 😂😂

[Velvet Milkman @velvetmilkman0]

A Dominican baseball player

[New town every hour (ret.) @TownsUsa]

These guys were both at Jan 6

[John Ganz @lionel_trolling]

This is not a healthy society this is the United States of America

[adam’s ribs @dirkdelacroix]

officer frye patrolling the mcdonalds. was deputy mcnugget there

[Khem Birch Society @NBABabySecret]

Hitting the last three words in the headline

[THE lusty argonian maid @lindawg]

alright party’s over

[Adam @AdameMedia]

Who’s gonna tell her?

[ChihuahuaEnjoyer420 @tweetsandboobs]

Go to the 00:46 mark

[moesha @yunclesage]

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

[Greta @GretaGrace20]

It's always about bathrooms.