ontheroadwithPhil

hi

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

My favorite part of the World Cup is when that referee sprayed everyone like a skunk

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

If I was a bug - it would fuck me up seeing giants every day

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

Over the intercom @ the airport

“Would a Phil J please come back to the security gate. You left your corn dog”

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

“High Noon is MY drink!” - a man wearing camo trying to impress everyone at the bar

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

My favorite part of the new Michael Jackson movie: the Moonwalk
My least favorite part of the new Michael Jackson movie: the molesting

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

I bet if bees screamed “REVENGE!” Every time someone came near their hive a lot less people would consume honey

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

How do we, as a Nation, save Hooters?

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

It’s the worst when a pretty girl is starring at me while I am desperately swatting a bee away from me and trying not to scream

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

What is signature about the potato?

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

Nowhere in the Bible does it say you can’t take someone else’s drink at Starbucks

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

How many beers is too many beers at the airport? Asking for the bartender who’s about to serve me my 6th beer before 10 AM

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

Jesus? More like CHEESE-us

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

TIL you can use your knife to scrape food on to your fork and not just your pointer finger

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

I went to Houston and never got @trillburgers 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

@EssengerMusic You do

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

If someone says their phone number out loud I’m writing it down

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

New fear unlocked: Getting bit in the face by an adorable dog and not having the strength to strangle it bc of the cuteness overload

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

True Life: My Parents Talked Shit About Me On A Podcast

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

I’m going to be real embarrassed once everyone in my neighborhood realizes I am the really bad drummer they can all hear

[ontheroadwithPhil @drifterphil]

NAUGHT-CHOS*

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