Alcoholic Dad

Just a guy who drinks enough beer to kill a family of 4 on the daily

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

Went to Chuck-E-Cheese and some kid stole my flask, so I chased him down and round housed him off the top of the play pen #donttreadonme

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

I had a meeting with my boss and he offered me a glass of scotch, but I choke slammed him and sucked down the whole bottle

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

I guess my wife's Facebook wasn't the best platform to try and find a slam piece for the night

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

The elementary school teacher told me shotgunning beers didn't require a real shotgun, but that won't bring back those 15 kids

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

My wife hates that I drink, and I hate my wife, so we're even

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

My kids wanted a puppy as a birthday gift, but this dead alley cat didn't cost me a dime

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

I was dreading my daughters recital all week, but after sucking down a second bottle of Jack it wasn't so bad

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

My sister asked me to babysit her newborn and he ended up in the hospital. Not my fault he's a lightweight

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

Got pulled over drinking a 40. Told my son to hop in the drivers seat but that pussy wouldn't do it because he's "only 11"

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

Got desperate and kidnapped the neighbors kid for ransom. Got 50 bucks so that should keep me drunk for the next 18 hours

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

Went to career day today. Apparently daycares don't like it when you offer Smirnoff to the kids to "liven the mood"

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

My kids keep asking what a "booze cruise" is, but I just tell them to blow in the ignition and not tell mommy

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

The in-laws got mad when I shotgunned a beer in honor of their dead son. Haters gonna hate

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

Nothing kills a buzz more than police lights in the rearview

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

Driving drunk is so much harder when you kids won't stop crying in the back seat

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

Enjoying life is more important than material items, that's why I pawned my dads gold watch for a 30 rack

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

Was gonna flip a coin to choose between beer and liquor, but I spent my change on nippers so I'll just drink both

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

I may have been on the wrong side of the road, but that toddler had it coming for J-walking

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

Woke up drunk but had no booze, so I drank my piss to keep things rolling

[Alcoholic Dad @drunkdad69]

Was working on the pool today but ran outa booze, so I drank the chlorine water to keep the buzz