javier.

'' an angel's smile is what you sell. you promise me heaven then put me through hell. ''

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[boss shows new girl around office]
Boss: this is Dave, he-
Me [mouthful of yogurt]: this isn't cum

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[crawls out of burning house]
"SIR, IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE INSIDE?"
[flash backs of wife eating the last Go-Gurt]
"No."

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[to girl at the bar]
"How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough--"
"Enough to break--"
"ENOUGH TO NOT INTERRUPT ME MAYBE? Fuck. Forget it."

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[shipwreck diary]
Day 31: my fingernails have gotten so long that I can scratch my asshole with both hands on my hips

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[mumbling in the back of cop car]
It's not my fucken fault you made stealing illegal.

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[priest reading to congregation, struggles to turn the page]
"God fucken dammit."

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

Me: dude calm down. You're seriously telling me I'm the first person to ever take a shit in your hat?
Arresting officer: shut the fuck up

[javier. @drunkscx]

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IM DOING

[Brandon the Cow @Brampersandon_]

WIFE: what happened to us? is all our magic gone?
HUSBAND: *removes his seemingly empty top hat & pulls out divorce papers* TA DA!

[e @Lclitc]

This is gonna be my official fake bc she's goals and I'm sorry but rt??? https://t.co/nEHPIDQDh8

[javier. @drunkscx]

@supcrstar thank you, sweetheart.

[javier. @drunkscx]

@supcrstar I'm flattered but no.

[javier. @drunkscx]

@supcrstar you mean you?

[javier. @drunkscx]

@supcrstar well, there we go. sweetheart it is.

[javier. @drunkscx]

@supcrstar wait no, I'm calling you sweetheart

[javier. @drunkscx]

@supcrstar I like it.

[javier. @drunkscx]

@supcrstar and what would that be?